SEX IS DEATH. (Shootin' 5 for 8)

I came to Carthage, where I found myself in the midst of a hissing cauldron of lusts. I had not yet fallen in love, but I was in love with the idea of it, and this feeling that something was missing made me despise myself for not being more anxious to satisfy the need. I began to look around for some object for my love, since I badly wanted to love something. —St. Augustine, Confessions


No, former NBA and University of Virginia great Ralph Sampson does not merit SEX IS DEATH status because he used to be an athlete.

Because he is a black man? Nope.

Because he is famous? Guess again.

Sports Illustrated: Ralph Sampson to serve jail time

Former NBA star Ralph Sampson has agreed to serve two months in jail and pay more than $300,000 in past and future child support, SI.com has learned.

The agreement comes two days before Sampson is scheduled to go on trial to face federal charges of mail fraud, perjury and nonsupport. It concludes a legal saga that began in 2003 when federal authorities charged Sampson with failing to support two of the eight children he has with five women.

Ta-da!

Sampson, who was college player of the year for three consecutive seasons at the University of Virginia, is scheduled to appear before a federal judge in Richmond on Thursday morning to finalize the settlement.

Sampson's attorney, James Roberts, will ask U.S. District Court Judge James Spencer to delay Sampson's incarceration until the spring of 2007. A portion of the child support money is already on deposit with Roberts's law firm, and Roberts expects Sampson to have the remainder in time for the hearing on Thursday.

Terry Holland, the former Virginia coach who guided Sampson and the Cavaliers to three ACC titles and an appearance in the Final Four, is expected to testify for Sampson.

That is so nice of you, Coach. Be sure to tell the court what a stand-up guy ol' Ralphie is and how he is an asset to his community. Tell them he is a lover, not a hater.

Assistant U.S. Attorney Sara Flannery confirmed the settlement. Without it, Sampson faced two years in jail and substantial fines.

I know I should not bother, kiddies, but I can't help myself...

Keep it in your pants.

Part 1: SEX IS DEATH. (Stories for boys) is here.
Part 2: SEX IS DEATH. (Distaff death) is here.
Part 3: SEX IS DEATH. (Joyously dispensing death) is here.
Part 4: SEX IS DEATH. (Sex is depression) is here.
Part 5: SEX IS DEATH. (When self-pleasuring becomes self-destruction) is here.
Part 6: SEX IS DEATH. (Sex is theft) is here.
Part 7: SEX IS DEATH. (A review of Bareback Mountain) is here.
Part 8: SEX IS DEATH. (What is the ultimate penalty?) is here.
Part 9: SEX IS DEATH. (Haven from reality) is here.
Part 10: SEX IS DEATH. (Sin-redemption-reasons-reason) is here.
Part 11: SEX IS DEATH. (Mommy loves you) is here.
Part 12: SEX IS DEATH. (George Gilder offers a clue) is here.
Part 13: SEX IS DEATH. (Post-killem depression) is here.
Part 14: SEX IS DEATH. (Whither womanhood) is here.
Part 15: SEX IS DEATH. (Saving psychology 1) is here.
Part 16: SEX IS DEATH. (Saving psychology 2) is here.
Part 17: SEX IS DEATH. (Fear of the boomers) is here.
Part 18: SEX IS DEATH. (The battle continues apace) is here.
Part 19: SEX IS DEATH. (Hot for teacher) is here.
Part 20: SEX IS DEATH. (Kids do the darndest things) is here.
Part 21: SEX IS DEATH. (Defects) is here.
Part 22: SEX IS DEATH. (Privates' privacy) is here.
Part 23: SEX IS DEATH. (National Condom Week) is here.
Part 24: SEX IS DEATH. (Wegenics) is here.
Part 25: SEX IS DEATH. (White wedding) is here.
Part 26: SEX IS DEATH. (Literally) is here.
Part 27: SEX IS DEATH. (Can't get me no satisfaction) is here.
Part 28: SEX IS DEATH. (Wrestle with mania) is here.
Part 29: SEX IS DEATH. (Press one for death/Presione uno para la muerte) is here.
Part 30: SEX IS DEATH. (Raunch culture) is here.
Part 31: SEX IS DEATH. (Gimme some of that sweet zombie lovin') is here.
Part 32: SEX IS DEATH. (The devil made me eat my baby) is here.
Part 33: SEX IS DEATH. (Mind control = womb control) is here.
Part 34: SEX IS DEATH. (The expense of playing with yourself) is here.
Part 35: SEX IS DEATH. (You can't always get what you want) is here.
Part 36: SEX IS DEATH. (Whom does a master serve?) is here.