24:Legacy - More of the same...AWESOMENESS!

I can't help myself, kiddies. The formula works for me and always has.

'24: Legacy' Review | Hollywood Reporter

24: Legacy marks an on-brand return for a franchise Fox has refused to let lie fallow long enough for any real nostalgic yearning to set in.

24: Legacy: Season 1 - Rotten Tomatoes

Critics Consensus: 24: Legacy offers well-acted escapism, yet this reboot also inherits many of its predecessor's flaws, and an early narrative rut signals a ...

TheChurchMilitant: Sometimes anti-social, but always anti-fascist since 2005.

Jack's back, baby, and the bodies they are a droppin'!

24 is back on the air kiddies, if only for half a "day". Sadly, it seems Right Wing Nuthouse isn't going to keep a running count of the body bags needed. 

Chloe is back as a goth ex-con Snowden-like traitor [or should that be freedom-fighter?] as is Heller - now the senile US prez along with his now un-catatonic daughter who is married to his power-mad chief of staff [ALWAYS the most accurate part of the show, that].

The hot blonde chick from "Chuck" provides some eye candy as she pursues our hero through London, but the most inspired casting is that of Prime Minister Jeeves.  Let us hope he survives the inevitable carnage to come and gets his own series where he battles mohammedan birthrates and angry sodomites to preserve the Empire.

24's Body Count Update.

Why do morons like Keith Übermann insist on calling 24 right wing propaganda? (Other than the fact they are morons, I mean.) Those in the show easily identified as rightists (businessmen, army dudes, conservative politicians) have been helping the goat rapists, drug dealers, Russian separatists, et cetera, for years now. The latest (and perhaps greatest) example is Jack Bauer's father who will do anything to protect his bottom line.

The answer, kiddies, is simple. Left-fascists don't use logic. Anyone who isn't them is against them.

BODY COUNT
Jack scores for the first time in weeks by offing a goon. Phillip murders the other one on purpose and commits “Filicide” to boot.

TOTALS:
Jack: 4
Show: 54

24's Body Count Update.

Jack's brother begins to reveal his true identity as the Grand Poobah of The Men With Phones In Their Ears and Jack's dad seems to have been duped as well.

Chloe, My Chloe was practically MIA for the second week in a row. They better have a butt shot of her walking out of a shower to make up for it. And soon.

I'm not squeamish: History's Nicest and Tidiest Nuke whacked 12,000 (conservative official estimate) LA suburbanites and there aren't even any traffic jams!


From Right Wing Nuthouse:

BODY COUNT

The Grim Reaper took a brief respite from his vacation, just to keep his hand in, I’m sure. Two CTU agents taken out by Graem’s thugs.

TOTAL:
Jack: 3
Show: 351

24's Body Count Update.

The leader of The Men With Phones In Their Ears is Jack's estranged brother! And Jack's estranged father may be doing business with the goat rapists who just nuked LA! His brother's too hot wife is Jack's ex-girlfriend! (She is much hotter than any of the babes with whom Citizen Bauer has been linked throughout the series.)

Jack has no choice but to torture his brother.

Curtis is dead. I thought Jack shot him in the shoulder like a cowboy would, but it seems CTU's most reliable agent (after Jack, of course) caught one between the eyes.

Sadly, the aftermath of the nuclear attack rings hollow. There is practically no panic, and that is just not realistic.

BTW, when President Token II asks his men about retaliating against states who helped the Abu Fayed Goat Raping Brigade, why doesn't someone suggest asking the newly moderate al-Assad who provided him and Fayed with material support for two decades? Is the administration afraid of upsetting mohammedan regimes who might sign on to Assad's peace-in-our-time pipedream?

From Right Wing Nuthouse:

BODY COUNT

A rare night off for the Grim Reaper although we can now confirm that Curtis is indeed dead. And in the interest of accuracy, a commenter pointed out that I missed the dead soldier slumped over the wheel of the bus that carried Nameer to the airport, killed by the traitorous guard. That means one more for Jack and two added to the total for the show.

JACK: 3
SHOW: 349

24's Body Count Update.

Well, we can kiss Hollyweird goodbye...

Even Jack Bauer couldn't save Gomorrah, CA last night. The non-moderate mohammedan freedom-fighters nuked the very folks who made all those wonderful Police Academy movies.

Men of good will the world over are weeping...


From Right Wing Nuthouse:

BODY COUNT

Obviously the casualty count from the nuke will be substantial. In deference to the fact that such an event should not be made light of, I will forgo adding the casualties from the nuke attack to this body count.

But the terrorist and TAC team count at CTU that occurred before the blast will be included.

112 confirmed dead in Baltimore
200 confirmed dead in Boston
Fayed’s man blows himself up
Ahmed becomes a permanent sleeper agent
1 CTU TAC man down at Fayed’s headquarters
2 terrorists taken out by TAC prior to nuke blast

TOTALS:

JACK: 2
Show: 347

24's Body Count Update returns!

Yes, kiddies, it is that time of year again. Watch as the eternal debate between "civil liberties" and "security" rages on! Welcome Jack, Chloe, Curtis, King Token II, assorted non-moderate mohammedan murderers, feckless politicians, and cell phones and cell phones (How long before The Men With Phones In Their Ears return?) back into your life every Monday night on FOX.

BTW, did you notice how everyone in LA drives a Ford?

From Right Wing Nuthouse:

BODY COUNT

As has been my practice for the previous two years, only confirmed, on screen kills will be part of this body count.

22 Americans died in the bus explosion.
Also, scratch one suicide bomber.
Jack reverts to cannibalism and eats his first kill.

By far the greatest impossible-escape-from-the-bad-guys escape ever. Citizen Bauer, mere hours after being released from two years of Slave Chinese torture, is chained to a chair and tortured by the non-moderate mohammedan baddie du jour. While the head bad guy answers an urgent cell phone call, Jack plays dead and the non-moderate mohammedan left guarding him goes in for a closer look. Jack knees him in his non-moderate family jewels and rips the guy's throat out with his bare teeth! (Since when do the Chinese commies provide dental care to their capitalist pig prisoners?)

Air strike sent 4 of Assad’s men to hell.
Assad kills the traitor.
Ahmed (pronounced…Oh, forget it!) offs his neighbor.
Another suicide bomber dies when Jack kicks him off the train.

TOTALS

Jack: 2
Show: 31

Another obscure Alexei Sayle reference.*

From The Young Ones:

Mr. Balowski (Alexei Sayle): [as Mr Balowski's nephew, Billy] I've not always been mad, y'know, but um... I was actually driven mad by the indifference of architecture and council planners. Y'see I live in a tower block, and um, the thing about those is that there's terrible noise problems, because there's no noise insulation at all y'know, and 8 floors below you there's always some bastard who's got a Yamaha home organ, y'know. You're just about to go to sleep and you hear this doot-doot! chh-chh doot-doot! chh-chh chkdt BAH WA DAH BAH NAOW! doot-doot! chh-chh doot-doot! chh-chh! and like, the people who live upstairs from me, I can't understand what they're doing! Y'know I listen, and all I can hear is this weird noise and it goes voom voom, BLAT-NN BLAT-NN, voom voom, BLAT-NN BLAT-NN, and it sounds, right, it sounds like two elephants on a motorbike riding round and round, while a seal bangs a kipper on the table! I went upstairs to complain, and the door was answered by this elephant in a crash helmet! Standing behind him is this seal going [pantomimes hitting a table with an object, the other hand on his hip]

* Here is the first.

24's Body Count Update: The day is done.

From Right Wing Nuthouse:

BODY COUNT

This year’s body count for the show is surprisingly close to last year’s totals. We don’t know how many died in the submarine nor do we know a few other loose ends like Evelyn and her 8 year old daughter left by Henderson’s men in the motel room as well as a few others. But Jack’s total of 42 from last year is close to this year’s butcher’s bill.

Petty Officer accounted for one terrorist while Jack, using a tremendous variety of weapons (including his thunder thighs) took care of 5 bad guys. Poor Agent McCullough should have called in sick.


JACK: 35

SHOW: 200

MARTHA: 1

Thanks to Jack, Chloe, her ex-husband (!!! Who reminds me of Alexei Sayle) Lady MacDeath, the bleeding Secret Service dude, and Mike Novick, (based loosely, I believe, on Pat Buchanan) Amerikkka has been made safe until next season, even though the omnipotent Men With Phones In Their Ears are still at large and unidentified. If soon-to-be-ex-President Hilter is going to cut a deal to save himself from the hangman's noose (Ha!) it seems natural that he would roll over on the MWPITE and live out his days in a minimum security federal country club.

Kudos to Lady MacDeath for keeping all the booze and pills down while doing the nasty with Hilter. If he's supposed to be nixonian, then he's a quaker. One can only imagine the ickiness involved in the pale quakerish imitation of conjugal relations.

Kudos to Jack for whacking Buckaroo Banzai with absolutely no pretense of bourgeois legalism. Hugo Chavez is in heat.

Why couldn't Audrey have died?

Chloe was too broken up over Edgar's death to hook up with Curtis. And her limey ex looks like a dead end. My guess is Chloe will console herself during the terrorist offseason by watching old tapes of Family Feud starring Louie Anderson.

Loose ends:

Kim Bauer and her therapist-cum-molester.
SecDef William Devane.
Lady MacDeath's lady-in-wating and her daughter.
Wayne Palmer, Curtis, and every other black guy on the show. Ever.
Buckaroo Banzai's wife.
The guy Chloe tasered twice in the bar.
The vampire cop from Toronto. (There's no way a couple dozen rounds of automatic weapons fire is going to keep him down.)

It's going to be a long six months, kiddies. I can't wait to see how Jack will defeat the Chinese commies and their robot/slave army of two billion.

24's Body Count Update.

Only one more week and only two more hours! I am anticipating severe withdrawal symptoms.

From Right Wing Nuthouse:

BODY COUNT

7 of 8 CTU agents killed in Bierko escape. Agent Adams will now be protecting the Gates of Hell. And an untold number die on the sub but we’re sure of the American officer’s demise.

JACK: 30

SHOW: 193

MARTHA: 1

Why not? It’s her kill. Let’s give her credit where credit is due.

I am glad to see First Lady MacDeath finally lived up to her name. I'll bet she isn't done playing the Grim Reaper. Look out, President Hilter! (BTW, did you notice that the Vice President on Prison Break had her President poisoned?)

I do not REPEAT NOT want to see ol' Martha and the bleeding Secret Service agent consummate their forbidden love. That would just be icky. However, I am rooting for Chloe and CTU's Token Black Guy to hook up.

The Men With Phones In Their Ears will not only survive to conspire again next season, three of them will become reality tv stars. One of those three will be the next Iron Chef American.

I would like to see Miles shot at a checkpoint for acting uppity. Of course, it would be better if he got eaten by the sharks President Hilter keeps in a pool hidden under the Press Room at the Western White House, but that travail will be saved until the final hour as an opportunity to shine for Mr. Bauer...

Wait a minute. That might be Dr. No and James Bond..

Will the makers of 24 ever reveal how the world inside my idiot box really works as hinted at by the Ghost of Buckaroo Banzai:

"But what I did, I did in the interest of the destiny of this country and I’m not talking about the version you read about on the OpEd pages of the New York Times. I’m talking about the politics of survival, the way the world really works."

OH NO! Does this mean we are really living in a predestined* nasty, poor, brutish, and short Calvin and Hobbesian un-realpolitik dog-eat-dog gorefest where the winners are the ones willing to kill anyone and everyone who gets in their way (along with a goodly number of randomly chosen innocents to keep everybody in line) and what we perceive is a craftily constructed lie that only differs from The Matrix in its lack of cool special effects? (On the plus side, kiddies, hot Italian babes in tight clothes really do seem to exist.)

* BTW, kiddies, can someone explain to me how a guy who taught that God created condemned souls can be considered a Christian? Silly presbyterians. And don't any of you dare blame St. Augustine for this. Citizen Calvin bears sole responsibility for making this particular bed out of whole cloth.

24's Body Count Update.

From Right Wing Nuthouse:


BODY COUNT

I’m very glad I didn’t add Heller to the body count which means I don’t have to take him off. And Mr. Death is certainly well rested as for the second week in a row, nary a soul is sent packing.

JACK: 30

SHOW: 184


I was hoping President Hilter would pump a couple into Lady MacDeath and then splatter his gray matter all over the Western White House, but that won't ever happen.

BTW, if ol' Hilter is so desperate, why doesn't he order an attack on the hideout of The Men With Phones In Their Ears?

24's Body Count Update.

From Right Wing Nuthouse:

BODY COUNT

The Grim Reaper took the night off, resting up for next week as Jack may have to wade through a lot of blood in order to reach his ultimate objective; Henderson.

JACK: 30

SHOW: 184

I love the smell of speculation in the morning...

Secret Service agent Aaron will save the Designing First Lady from a suicide attempt and kill President Hilter before he can shut ol' Martha up for good. Martha and Aaron become an item.

Chloe will be named acting head of the newly reconstituted CTU in the final three minutes of the final hour.

Jack will actually arrest some of the Men With Phones In Their Ears (They don't have the stones to try and shoot it out with him.) and their trial will figure prominently in next season's storyline.

Curtis and Chloe will marry and he will be forced to leave CTU because of some silly government nepotism rule. Curtis will then...

...Start a private security consulting firm with a retired Jack Bauer. Needless to say, they both will be dragged back into the fight against Big Badness next year. Look for Curtis to get shot early and for Chloe to break down.

Nobody cares about Mike Novick.

Buckaroo Banzai Henderson will die horribly by his own hand. Literally. I predict he will become the first man to successfully choke himself to death with his bare hands.

Kim Bauer will reappear before this season ends, looking better than she did the last time we saw her and sans the therapist-cum-boyfriend.

In the final seconds of this season's 24 hours, it will be suggested the Men With Phones In Their Ears are disgruntled sports agents.

24's Body Count Update.

From Right Wing Nuthouse:

BODY COUNT

3 more of Henderson’s men bite the dust. Jack was shut out. Is Heller really dead? We’ll give it a week.

JACK: 30

SHOW: 184

The Conspiracy is obviously much bigger and much more sinister than President Hilter. The Men Who Have Phones In Their Ears are not a very scary bunch, (I figure Jack could get them all to wet themselves with only a medium intensity glower.) so I am hoping those British and French flags on the limos mean the EU is plotting to weaken the US.

24's Body Count Update.

The evil President Hilter (a hybrid consisting of equal parts Machiavelli, King Lear, Fellatio D. Rascalvelt, Nixon, and just enough of the two Goobers to scare the living daylights out of anyone paying attention) and his henchman, Robo Cop, appear to have vanquished Our Hero. But have no fear, kiddies, Jack Bauer never makes mistakes that get himself killed or prevent him from winning in the end.

Again, I would like to ask the producers of 24 to kill off Jack this season. Also, I would like President Hilter to succeed in all his evil plans and declare himself Emperor. It's just not right that the bad guys only win in real life. Stop coddling us, Hollyweird! Let your dark totalitarian fantasies see the light of the cathode ray tube!

From Right Wing Nuthouse:

BODY COUNT

Six thugs are done in. One good guy bites the dust. Jack had a fun night as he got to blow up a gas truck and kill 4 bad guys.

JACK: 30

SHOW: 181

24's Body Count Update.

From Right Wing Nuthouse:

BODY COUNT

Two EMT’s make their last call. Two cops go down in the line of duty. Five thugs go down with Jack accounting for two of them. Carl shoulda stayed in bed.

JACK: 26

SHOW: 174

The ultimate Machiavellian, President Hilter, must die! He pretends to be Jimmy Carter, but he lives like Nixon on steroids. I hope his wife puts an ice pick in his ear. (Ha! Nobody has ice picks anymore. Silly me.)

24's Body Count Update.

From Right Wing Nuthouse:


BODY COUNT

Jack takes down 5 traitors while Wayne accounts for 3. And you can add hit and run homicide to Henderson’s list of crimes.

JACK: 24
SHOW: 164

24's Body Count Update.

From Right Wing Nuthouse:

BODY COUNT

After taking the night off last week, the Grim Reaper came back refreshed and determined to make up for lost time.

Bierko’s bums bop two cops. A guard at the gate is history. Two gas company employees meet their maker. The total from the firefight in the control room is grisly; two TAC teamers go down but our boys send 5 terrorists to hell. Jack has his best night of the year so far accounting for four souls faithfully departed.

JACK: 19
SHOW: 155


I was hoping we'd discover Audrey was working with the terrorists. (She still may be. Her Dad, the SecDef, might be an ally of Vice President Hilter.) Jack's got to learn to concentrate on saving us from the bad guys and forget about all these dames who are nothing but trouble. (Including his daughter, who seems to have conveniently dropped from sight again. My guess is she's going to be pulled from a boat by a croc and Jack will have to choose between saving Kim and stopping the elevation of VP Hilter to Emperor.)

24's Body Count Update.

From Right Wing Nuthouse:

BODY COUNT

The Grim Reaper took the night off.


UPDATE
Long time House reader Hector informs me that Grandma Hayes mentioned that 56 CTU employees bit the dust in the nerve gas attack. Since I only used the figure 55 (given by Bill) we will add one more to the show’s blood total.


JACK: 15

SHOW: 143

24's Body Count Update.

It is still fun to watch, but I hope this season is the last. I don't want Jack to end up fighting Hank Scorpio.




From Right Wing Nuthouse:

BODY COUNT

Lin and Harry are heroes. Bill updates us with his estimate of 55 dead CTU employees. Since we already counted 12, that means we add 43 to the show’s total.

And since Jack asked Lin and Harry to die, we are going to credit Mr. Bauer with two more kills.

JACK: 15

SHOW: 142

24's Body Count Update.

From Right Wing Nuthouse:

BODY COUNT

Curtis gets the hospital terrorist. Jenny and Boyfriend are executed. Kerri is knifed in the back. One CTU guard is retired. Jack is back in the kill column. Plus, I counted 12 CTU personnel going down including Edgar. That number may change (probably upward) if we get something more definitive.

JACK: 13

SHOW: 79

On the tease for next week's episode I thought I heard the phrase "forty percent of CTU's staff was killed". One wonders why the bad guys didn't think of this in previous days.