The latest in a continuing series.*
As is usually the case, St. Augustine sums it up nicely.
I came to Carthage, where I found myself in the midst of a hissing cauldron of lusts. I had not yet fallen in love, but I was in love with the idea of it, and this feeling that something was missing made me despise myself for not being more anxious to satisfy the need. I began to look around for some object for my love, since I badly wanted to love something. —St. Augustine, Confessions
ABOVE: Pam DeBord as Lady Sage in her best selling dental hygiene video "You Damn Well Better Floss, You Worm, Or I'll Do It For You And You Won't Like That Nearly As Much".
"Lady Sage", the flower of Columbus Ohio's womanhood, gets $250 an hour (Heck, that's cheaper than a good lawyer or a bad therapist.) to beat men. She also gets $1,000 a day plus expenses to travel to other towns to beat their men. The conservatives in the crowd would say it's a private business arrangement between consenting adults. The liberals in the crowd want her phone number.
But seriously, folks, I'm sure there are conservatives-from-the-waist-up out there who want a piece of this kind of action too.
But really seriously, folks, how wrapped up in your perversion must you be to steal 200 G's from the charity that employs you?
A charity executive used $210,000 meant to cure heart disease to get his own pulse pounding — repeatedly flying a dominatrix halfway across the country to spank him, law-enforcement sources said yesterday.
Abraham Alexander racked up charges on an employer credit card for a slew of personal items, including steamy S&M meet-and-beat sessions with Lady Sage, a world-renowned whip mistress based in Columbus, Ohio, the sources said.
Alexander, 45, is an accounts-payable exec at the not-for-profit Cardiovascular Research Foundation.
The Long Island man allegedly used the funds to fulfill his fetish fantasies by paying the Midwestern mistress' air fare to New York each month — and ponying up for a wardrobe full of bawdy bondage gear, including chains and whips.
Don't get me wrong. It's not just the perversion. Mr. Alexander's exploits would merit mention here even if he had stolen the money to buy 105 hours with the world's greatest whore. Heck, stealing $210,000 to decorate your house is bad, too.
It is the man's motivation that fascinates me. Here again, we have another story for boys.
He also paid for jewelry and fancy dinners, in addition to $30,000 in fees to the leather-clad Ohio backside paddler, sources familiar with the case said.
Alexander, who had not been working at the charity for long, was arraigned Tuesday on charges of grand larceny and forgery and ordered held in lieu of $10,000 bail, the Manhattan DA's Office said.
Lady Sage — who goes by her real name, Pam DeBord, outside her dungeon — says on her Web site that she charges $1,000 a day plus expenses to travel to clients.
On top of that, clients pay $250 an hour for her spanking services.
"Professional domination sessions are about good people having great fun," Lady Sage says on her Web site.
Sorry to burst your bubble, Madam, (Or is it Mistress? I'm all for formality and good manners, but this is ridiculous.) but that is not what it is about at all. I suspect she knows this. For her sake, I hope she does.
"I love nothing more than coaxing you to accept more pain and torment for my pleasure," she adds. "I love holding your very soul in my hands."
Now that's just creepy, even if you are merely play-acting.
The raven-haired 43-year-old poses in leather bondage outfits on her site — but in real life, she is a divorced former hairdresser and a mom of one who recently became a grandmother, her ex-husband said.
"She flies from America to Europe all the time for work and even the Middle East, places like Egypt," claimed the Ohio man, who did not give his name and who said he divorced her after learning that she worked as an S&M mistress behind his back.
Wow. How glamourous. A grandmother who spanks Egyptians.
Technically, was that Ohioan cuckolded? No sex, just cash. I think that qualifies.
Of the more than $200,000 Alexander allegedly stole, $30,000 was spent for Lady Sage's services, the sources said.
Yes, but, in total, how much of it did she get?
The NYPD's Organized Theft and Identity Theft Task Force busted him on Monday at his East Meadow home. He was still being held in jail yesterday.
Thank goodness for cops. I could never be one. I'd spend all my time retching or laughing.
Neither he nor his lawyer could be reached for comment.
At his home last night, a man who identified himself as Alexander's brother-in-law said, "Unfortunately, my sister married him . . . He's an a- - - - - -."
I'm afraid the brother-in-law does not appreciate Mr. Alexander's problem. If one has desires, they must be satisfied. Right, kiddies? Well, Mr. Alexander can't help it if he has expensive desires, can he?
And that credit card was there for a reason. It was begging to be used.
Officials at the Cardiovascular Research Foundation released a statement saying that they uncovered the alleged theft during a regularly scheduled review of finances.
The East 59th Street-based organization, described as the world's largest private medical research foundation, said thefts will be covered by insurance.
I'm not going to pretend I have any answers like I usually do. But I will offer you a bunch of questions we can mull over together. From the bottom up (so to speak) they are:
How does anyone enjoy being beaten? Does one begin by fantasizing about it and eventually develop a need for the real thing when (not if) the masturbatory fantasy loses its power? (James "Dr. Masturbation" Dobson, call your office.)
How does a woman choose beating people as a way to make a living? Is it so lucrative as to be irresistible? Is it the fact it requires few skills? (I'm assuming here, kiddies. Perhaps it takes a giant intellect, a great work ethic, and incredible concentration to prevent the maiming and death of Lady Sage's clients.) Could she simply enjoy it?
How did Mr. Alexander get to the point of stealing from his employer to finance this nonsense? I assume that once he started stealing, it became progressively easier. But was it that pleasureable? Was it that much fun?
How do you decide to ruin your life, that of your loved ones, and become a laughingstock for the sake of erections you cannot procure any (apparently) other way? (Please pardon my ignorance on this particular subject, Gentle Reader. You see, my ancestors were Italian.)
Does the pleasure of satisfying one's disordered desires make everything else irrelevant? If that is indeed the case, kiddies, then it may be high time we all make sure our desires are put in proper order.
*Part 1: SEX IS DEATH. (Stories for Boys) is here.
Part 2: SEX IS DEATH. (Distaff Death) is here.
Part 3: SEX IS DEATH. (Joyously dispensing death) is here.
Part 4: SEX IS DEATH. (Sex is depression) is here.
Part 5: SEX IS DEATH. (When self-pleasuring becomes self-destruction) is here.