SEX IS DEATH. (A review of Bareback Mountain)

I came to Carthage, where I found myself in the midst of a hissing cauldron of lusts. I had not yet fallen in love, but I was in love with the idea of it, and this feeling that something was missing made me despise myself for not being more anxious to satisfy the need. I began to look around for some object for my love, since I badly wanted to love something. —St. Augustine, Confessions


Bareback Mountain
Starring a couple of straight actors as a couple of homosexual sheepherders. (That's what all the other reviewers are saying. I didn't get that press release.)

Directed by that guy who does the high class kung fu flicks where everybody can hang in the air for thirty seconds or more.

All Flocked Up

I suppose you could say the sodomites are making progress. At least in this flick they aren't used for comic relief as they usually are. You know, the bumbling effeminate lisper who makes fun of how the heteros dress. Kind of like the way Hollyweird used blacks back in the 1930's and 1940's. Can't teach old dogs new tricks, I guess.

First, these two characters are sheepherders, not cowboys. But "sheepherder" was never in contention to make it into The Village People, so "cowboys" they are. And how realistic is the idea that these sheep men turn to each other for icky love instead of those hot, hot sheep on those lonely nights on the range? You know what they say, "Once you've tried sheep...". I guess the PETA Police got to Larry McMurtry. (!!! Partial screenplay credit for the former king of the oater novel.)

And talk about sexual dishonesty and prejudice! I can't wait until Little Bisexuality gets a whiff of Bareback Mountain. These two guys have orgasms in each other (off and on) for twenty years while marrying, rearing children, decorating, accessorizing, et cetera. That smells like bisexuality to this reviewer. There should be mass demonstrations and riots all across the land by the millions of bisexual men out there who will be offended by this outrage. (Heehee! "Out" - "rage". Get it?)

Where in the world were the representatives of Big Sodomy on this one? They should have been on the set insisting Hollyweird finally portray a homosexual couple in a steady, stable, long term, committed relationship. Bareback Mountain is just what the afficionados of non-euclidean sex DO NOT need, namely another wham-bam-thank-you-Adam-and-Steve oater about two bi-guys who hook up whenever their flocks happen to meet. What do you think the ratio of shepherd/wife to shepherd/shepherd boinking is when these two alleged homosexuals are only able to "pasturize" each other on the occasional weekend? 10 to 1? 50 to 1? It's obviously a stealth anti-homosexual hate film, probably financed by Pat Robertson.

Want proof?

The New York Daily News' Jack Matthews, writing about the film's Oscar chances, said that Bareback Mountain "may be too much for red-state audiences, but it gives the liberal-leaning Academy a great chance to stick its thumb in conservatives' eyes."

Now if that isn't evidence of a right wing disinformation campaign planting agent provocatuer-type thoughts in people's heads, I don't know what is.

Why must one of the "lovers" be stigmatized as a "ranch hand"? What difference does a man's choice of autoerotic lubrication make? Ranch, Thousand Island, even French. (But never Italian or Caesar.) How narrow minded our elitist filmsters have become! The other guy is labeled a "bull rider"! Will these shameful stereotypes never be annihilated? Can't we all just get along and take turns on top?

I have saved the worst outrage for last. The title Bareback Mountain is a limp-wristed slap in the face of all those sodomites who have died in the almighty pursuit of Hap The Penis. (It's in the Declaration of Independence, you products of government schools. Look it up!) If a man and his wife and another man and some sheep and an intern and a fence post want to make sweet, sweet love without the nerve-deadening hand of Big Latex (A division of Big Masturbation) present, who are we to say "boo"?


Note To The Squeamish: Mr. Lee can't resist using his sick-making slow motion special effects (see Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) for the "love" scenes. (Ron Jeremy, call your office.) You've been warned.

Part 1: SEX IS DEATH. (Stories for Boys) is here.
Part 2: SEX IS DEATH. (Distaff Death) is here.
Part 3: SEX IS DEATH. (Joyously dispensing death) is here.
Part 4: SEX IS DEATH. (Sex is depression) is here.
Part 5: SEX IS DEATH. (When self-pleasuring becomes self-destruction) is here.
Part 6: SEX IS DEATH. (Sex is theft) is here.