DAY 91: PLUTO HELD HOSTAGE

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day.

Deuteronomy 8:10:

That when thou hast eaten, and art full, thou mayst bless the Lord thy God for the excellent land which he hath given thee.
Ut cum comederis et satiatus fueris benedicas Domino Deo tuo pro terra optima quam dedit tibi

Amen to that, my Brothers and Sisters, amen to that.

Drive safely, kiddies...that turkey isn't going anywhere.

Fyodor's Pro Football Picks of the Week.

1) The guys who set the lines are professionals. Their job is to make each game look as attractive as possible to everyone. That way they even out the amount of money bet on each side.

Instant translation: The house wins no matter who wins. That's why people get into the gambling business.

2) I am just a fan. I won't even keep track of these picks week to week if it gets too embarrassing.

3) There is no such thing as "inside information". Especially in the pros.

4) If those idiot touts on tv and in the paper were any good, they wouldn't go public with their genius. They'd sit at Harrah's sports book from open to close and then go out and buy $2,000 an hour hookers who dress like high school girls.

5) Gambling is stupid. You cannot win.

That being said, here are my NFL picks for this week.


Thursday 11/23

Miami (-2.5) at Detroit
Miami is improving and Detroit isn't. Pick the Dolphins.
FINAL: Dolphins 27 Lions 10 -Fyodor wins!


Tampa Bay (+11) at Dallas
The Cowboys are improving and...oh, you know the rest. Take Dallas.
FINAL: Cowbwoys 38 Buccanneers 10 - Fyodor wins!

Denver (+1) at Kansas City
The first NFL Network game! Call your cable provider...oh, you know the rest. Take the Broncos and the point.
FINAL: Chiefs 19 Broncos 10 - Fyodor loses! (Look, everybody! Jake Plummers's back!)

Sunday 11/26

Arizona (+6.5) at Minnesota
The Crummy Game of the Week! I'll take the Vikes at home.
FINAL: Vikings 31 Cardinals 26 - Fyodor loses!


Carolina (-4.5) at Washington
This spread is suspiciously small. Nonetheless, I will take the Panthers to cover.
FINAL: Redskins 17 Panthers 13 - Fyodor loses! (Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!)


Cincinnati (-3) at Cleveland
Again, a small number. Does somebody other than me know something I don't? Nah...take the Bengals.
FINAL: Bengals 30 Browns 0 - Fyodor wins!


Houston (+6) at NY Jets
It is not REPEAT NOT time to jump on the Texans' bandwagon. Take the Jets at home.
FINAL: Jets 26 Texans 11 - Fyodor wins!


Jacksonville (-3) at Buffalo
The Jaguars? A Young QB and Darius out for the year. The Bills? Wallowing in their own filth. (Yeah, that was a little harsh, but I'm tired of saving all my harshness for the Raiders.) Pick Jacksonville.
FINAL: Bills 27 Jaguars 24 - Fyodor loses! (Ack!)


New Orleans (+3) at Atlanta
I'm guessing Mr. Vick is DOWN this week. Take New Orleans and the points.
FINAL: Saints 31 Falcons 13 - Fyodor wins! (I'm sure the good folks of Atlanta can tell Mr. Vick where he can put those fingers of his.)


Pittsburgh (+3) at Baltimore
As a certified Steeler fan, I must go nuts for my team even though I know they won't make the playoffs. Take the Steelers...Oh, yeah...and the points, though you won't need them!
FINAL: Ravens 27 Steelers 0 - Fyodor loses! (Steelers' 2008 NFL Draft needs: 1) Offensive line. 2) Cornerback. 3) Defensive line. 4) Running back.)


San Francisco (+6) at St. Louis
Just take the 49ers. That's all I have to say. (Stinking NFC West.) FINAL: Rams 20 49ers 17 - Fyodor wins! (It's a miracle!)



Oakland (+13.5) at San Diego
The bad news? 13.5. The good news? The Raiders. Take the Chargers to cover.
FINAL: Chargers 21 Raiders 14 - Fyodor loses!


Chicago (+3) at New England
The Bears need this one to prove they are for real. Pick New England.
FINAL: Patriots 17 Bears 13 - Fyodor wins!


NY Giants (-3) at Tennessee
Just for a lark, I'll take the Titans.
FINAL: Titans 24 Giants 21 - Fyodor wins! (Heehee!)


Philadelphia (+9) at Indianapolis
No McNabb, no running game, no hope. Take the Colts.
FINAL: Colts 45 Eagles 21 - Fyodor wins! (The Jeff Garcia Era in Philly continues apace...)

Monday 11/27


Green Bay (+9) at Seattle
It's the Who Knows and Who Cares Bowl! I'll take Green Bay and the points because, in case you haven't heard, the refs are out to get the Seahawks.
FINAL: Seahawks 34 Packers 24 - Fyodor loses! (Thank goodness Brett Favre retired! It would be a shame for him to live through this disaster...)

Fyodor's College Football Picks of the Week.

1) The guys who set the lines are professionals. Their job is to make each game look as attractive as possible to everyone. That way they even out the amount of money bet on each side.

Instant translation: The house wins no matter who wins. That's why people get into the gambling business.

2) I am just a fan. I won't even keep track of these picks week to week if it gets too embarrassing.

3) There is no such thing as "inside information". Especially in the pros.

4) If those idiot touts on tv and in the paper were any good, they wouldn't go public with their genius. They'd sit at Harrah's sports book from open to close and then go out and buy $2,000 an hour hookers who dress like high school girls.

5) Gambling is stupid. You cannot win.

That being said, here are my college picks for this week.


Thursday 11/23

Boston College (-4) at Miami
Miami is looking to next season. Pick BC.
FINAL: Miami 17 BC 14 - Fyodor loses! (Goodbye, Larry!)

Friday 11/24

Texas A&M (+13) at Texas
Texas could easily cover the 13, but I don't think they will. Pick A&M.
FINAL: A&M 12 Texas 7 - Fyodor wins! (Yippee!)


Central Michigan (-15) at Buffalo
I'm back on the bandwagon one more time! Take CMU.
FINAL: CMU 55 Buffalo 28 -Fyodor wins!


Louisiana State (+1) at Arkansas
I don't see how anyone could pick LSU on the road over the Razorbacks. I gotta take Arkansas.
FINAL: LSU 31 Arkansas 26 - Fyodor loses! (Nice road win for the Tigers...and it's about time.)


Colorado (+14.4) at Nebraska
This is usually a good, close game regardless of the teams' records. I'll take Nebraska to cover this year because Colorado has been worse than usual.
FINAL: Nebraska 37 Colorado 14 - Fyodor wins!


Oregon (+3) at Oregon State
I'll go with the Beavers at home.
FINAL: Oregon State 30 Oregon 28 - Fyodor loses! (That's why they call it gambling.)


Air Force (-11) at UNLV
Take the Falcons. UNLV can't even play basketball anymore.
FINAL: UNLV 42 Air Force 39 - Fyodor loses! (ACK!)

Saturday 11/25

Florida (-9.5) at Florida State
I'd love to see the Seminoles crush the Gators, but it won't happen this year. Pick Florida.
FINAL: Florida 21 Florida State 14 - Fyodor loses! (The Gators' offense stinks.)


Syracuse (+15) at Rutgers
It's back to reality time for Rutgers. They will cover easily.
FINAL: Rutgers 38 Syracuse 7 - Fyodor wins!


South Carolina (+5) at Clemson
I'll take Coach Superior and the Gamecocks and the points over the inconsistent Tigers.
FINAL: South Carolina 31 Clemson 28 - Fyodor wins! (Sweet.)


Virginia (+17) at Virginia Tech
Talk about a return to reality, take Tech. Virginia had their game of the year last week against Miami.
FINAL: Virginia Tech 17 Virginia 0 - PUSH!


South Florida (+21) at West Virginia
White and Slaton are serious offensive forces. Take WVU.
FINAL: South Florida 24 WVU 19 - Fyodor loses! (The Mountaineers came up really small.)


Kansas (+7) at Missouri
A Hangover Game for Kansas. Pick Mizzou.
FINAL: Missouri 42 Kansas 17 - Fyodor wins! (Yep.)


Kentucky (+19) at Tennessee
I would never put money on the Vols, but since this is just for fun, I'll take 'em to cover the 19.
FINAL: Tennessee 17 Kentucky 12 - Fyodor loses! (Like I said...)


Mississippi State (+3) at Mississippi
This might be a good game. I'll take State and the points.
FINAL: Mississippi 20 Mississippi State 17 - PUSH!


Oklahoma (-5.5) at Oklahoma State
Pick the Sooners.
FINAL: Oklahoma 27 Oklahoma State 21 - Fyodor wins! (An early Christmas present from the Sooners.)

Georgia Tech (+2) at Georgia
After a full season, I still have not figured out these two teams. Nonetheless, I'll take Tech and the points.
FINAL: Georgia 15 Georgia Tech 12 - Fyodor loses! (Never mind...)


Louisville (-11.5) at Pittsburgh
The Panthers haven't shown me a thing this year. Pick the Cardinals.
FINAL: Louisville 48 Pitt 24 - Fyodor wins! (Pitt needs to recruit guys who can play the whole game. Horatio Benedict Blades will make some NFL GM look like a genius.)

Arizona State (+3.5) at Arizona
This is one of those kooky rivalry games with genuine dislike on both sides. I'll go with Arizona at home.
FINAL: Arizona State 28 Arizona 14 - Fyodor loses! (What was I thinking?)


Wake Forest (+1) at Maryland
Last week, the Demon Deacons turned back into a pumpkin and the Terrapins got a rude awakening. I gotta go with the home field advantage. Pick Maryland.
FINAL: Wake Forest 38 Maryland 24 - Fyodor loses! (I have no idea what I am doing.)


Notre Dame (+7) at USC
Even though Ohio State versus USC would be the best BCS "championship" matchup, this is THE game for Fighting Irish fans every year. (Yes, that includes that pretentious bunch of clowns at that school to the north of Cloumbus.) I feel compelled to take ND and the points. Go Irish! Blow up the BCS! No rematch for You-know-who!
FINAL: USC 44 Notre Dame 24 - Fyodor loses! (There's always next year...)


Purdue (+17) at Hawaii
The Boilermakers will be bedazzled by the weather, the scenery, and the girls. Take the Rainbow Warriors! (Remember when they seriously tried to rename them the Rainbows? Oy vey!)
FINAL: Hawaii 42 Purdue 35 - Fyodor loses! (Who knew?)

The attack of the (more or less) redheads continues apace: Alyson Hannigan.

From the pages of The King Abdullah Gazette: