TheChurchMilitant: 2006-10-01

Friday, October 06, 2006

Turkey is still one of the most civilized mohammedan-majority countries, though the army may have to step in to protect the secularist constitution again someday. If the goat rapists were smart, they would infiltrate the army...

...anyway, other than the cigarettes and the tattoos, she's pretty hot.

From The Death Of The West Department:

Terrell Owens has written a book for children and more are on the way.

ESPN: Coming soon to bookstores: T.O., children's author

IRVING, Texas -- Earlier this season, Donovan McNabb called former teammate Terrell Owens' autobiography a "children's book."

Thing is, it turns out the Dallas Cowboys wide receiver was writing one of those, too.

Owens and a college classmate have co-written a children's book, "Little T Learns To Share," which is due to be released in November by Dallas-based BenBella Books, the Dallas Morning News reported Friday.

According to the newspaper, in "Little T Learns to Share," the title character refuses to share his football at first -- then realizes it's awfully hard to play football by yourself.

"I tried to play outside alone and throw it by myself, but football isn't football unless you play with someone else," Little T tells his mother in the book, the newspaper said.

Owens is writing a number of books with Courtney Parker as part of "T.O.'s Timeout Series." The second volume, "Little T Learns What Not to Say," is due this spring 2007; "Little T Learns To Say I'm Sorry" is expected to hit shelves next fall.

"It's a life lesson for discipline," Parker told the newspaper. "It's ironic because he's considered one of the more undisciplined players in the NFL."
Parker, who's known Owens since they were freshmen at Tennessee-Chattanooga, said the idea for the book was born during a phone conversation in 2005, after Owens had been released by the Eagles. As they spoke, Owens was watching a commentator blast away at him on TV.

"We're watching television and the commentator said, 'T.O.'s behavior is so childish,'" Parker told the newspaper. "And then [Owens] says, 'That's not a bad idea for a book. It should be about discipline since the world thinks I have none."

Fyodor's Pro Football Picks of the Week.

1) The guys who set the lines are professionals. Their job is to make each game look as attractive as possible to everyone. That way they even out the amount of money bet on each side.

Instant translation: The house wins no matter who wins. That's why people get into the gambling business.

2) I am just a fan. I won't even keep track of these picks week to week if it gets too embarrassing.

3) There is no such thing as "inside information". Especially in the pros.

4) If those idiot touts on tv and in the paper were any good, they wouldn't go public with their genius. They'd sit at Harrah's sports book from open to close and then go out and buy $2,000 an hour hookers who dress like high school girls.

5) Gambling is stupid. You cannot win.

That being said, here are my NFL picks for this week.

Sunday 10/8

Buffalo (+10) at Chicago
The Bears may really be for real. Pick Chicago.
FINAL: Bears 40 Bills 7 - Fyodor wins! (Calm down, Amy. Your Monsters of the Midway won some games last year, too.)

Cleveland (+8.5) at Carolina
The Panthers don't cover the spread too often. Then again, they don't play the Browns often. Pick Carolina.
FINAL: Panthers 20 Browns 12 - Fyodor loses!

Detroit (+6.5) at Minnesota
I can't pick the Lions. Take the Vikings to cover.
FINAL: Vikings 23 Lions 17 - Fyodor loses! (Drat! The dreaded hook!)

Miami (+9.5) at New England
The Patriots are playing better and Miami stinks. I'll take New England.
FINAL: Patriots 20 Dolphins 10 - Fyodor wins!

St. Louis (-3) at Green Bay
Sadly, I'll take the Rams.
FINAL: Rams 23 Packers 20 - PUSH! (Stupid Rams.)

Tampa Bay (+6.5) at New Orleans
The Bucs must prove to me they can win. Pick New Orleans.
FINAL: Saints 24 Buccaneers 21 - Fyodor loses!

Tennessee (+18.5!!!) at Indianapolis
The Titans are truly awful, but I can't stomach that line. I must take the Titans and the points.
FINAL: Colts 14 Titans 13 - Fyodor wins! (Fyodor must be a genius!)

Washington (+4.5) at N. Y.Giants
I'll happily take the Redskins and the points.
FINAL: Giants 19 Redskins 3 - Fyodor loses! (Ack!)

Kansas City (-3) at Arizona
Do the wiseguys know something about this game? Nope. Pick the Chiefs.
FINAL: Chiefs 23 Cardinals 20 - PUSH! (Boring!)

N.Y. Jets (+7) at Jacksonville
Two teams coming off tough losses. I'll take the Jets and the points.
FINAL: Jaguars 41 Jets 0 - Fyodor loses! ("Past performance is not indicative of future results...")

Oakland (+3.5) at San Francisco
The utter humiliation of everyone associated with the Raiders continues apace. Pick the 49ers.
FINAL: 49ers 34 Raiders 20 - Fyodor wins! (Whither Randy Moss?)

Dallas (+2) at Philadelphia
T who? Eagles cover easily.
FINAL: Eagles 38 Cowboys 24 - Fyodor wins!

Pittsburgh (-3) at San Diego
The Chargers' O is no better than the Steelers'. I'll take San Diego and the points and hope the Steelers can pull out a close one.
FINAL: Chargers 23 Steelers 13 - Fyodor wins! (I hate winning games like this. 1) What got into Rivers? 2) No running game, no improvements to the defensive backfield...it seems Coach Cowher has begun to enjoy his retirement mansion in North Carolina. 3) Whither Roethlisberger?

Monday 10/9

Baltimore (+4) at Denver
I'll take Denver and the points. That means everyone should put their money on the Ravens.
FINAL: Broncos 13 Ravens 3 - Fyodor wins! (Silly self-deprecating me.)

Fyodor's College Football Picks of the Week.

1) The guys who set the lines are professionals. Their job is to make each game look as attractive as possible to everyone. That way they even out the amount of money bet on each side.

Instant translation: The house wins no matter who wins. That's why people get into the gambling business.

2) I am just a fan. I won't even keep track of these picks week to week if it gets too embarrassing.

3) There is no such thing as "inside information". Especially in the pros.

4) If those idiot touts on tv and in the paper were any good, they wouldn't go public with their genius. They'd sit at Harrah's sports book from open to close and then go out and buy $2,000 an hour hookers who dress like high school girls.

5) Gambling is stupid. You cannot win.

That being said, here are my college picks for this week.

Friday 10/6

Louisville (-30) at Middle Tennessee State
Why not? I'll take the Cardinals to cover the huge number though they are due for a poor game.
FINAL: Louisville 44 MTSU 17 - Fyodor loses! (I should have known better!)

Arkansas (+15) at Auburn
Auburn is too good and they're playing at home. Pick the Tigers to cover.
FINAL: Arkansas 27 Auburn 10 - Fyodor loses! (Nice win for the Hogs!)

Penn State (-3) at Minnesota
Practically a pick 'em game. Gotta go with PSU.
FINAL: PSU 28 Minnesota 27 - Fyodor loses! (The Lions got lucky.)

Clemson (-17) at Wake Forest
I'll take the Demon Deacons and the points on a hunch.
FINAL: Clemson 27 Wake Forest 17 - Fyodor wins! (Finally!)

Pittsburgh (-7) at Syracuse
The Panthers will cover the 7 easily.
FINAL: Pitt 21 Syracuse 11 - Fyodor wins!

Northwestern (+20.5) at Wisconsin
I wouldn't bet this game unless I had too, so I'll take the Badgers to cover.
FINAL: Wisconsin 41 Northwestern 9 - Fyodor wins! (What do you know...)

Purdue (+11) at Iowa
Iowa was exposed last week, but they should be able to cover the 11 at home.
FINAL: Iowa 47 Purdue 17 - Fyodor wins!

Navy (+2.5) at Air Force
I'm picking Navy even though the new Air Force recruiting commercials are cool.
FINAL: Navy 24 Air Force 17 - Fyodor wins! (Notre Dame better watch out for Navy on October 28. Navy always plays them tough and this year they have the horses.)

Stanford (+29.5) at Notre Dame
Stanford stinks, but the Irish are too inconsistent for my taste. Take Stanford and the points.
FINAL: Notre Dame 31 Stanford 10 - Fyodor wins!

West Virginia (-20.5) at Mississippi State
I'll go with the Mountaineers as the big road favorite.
FINAL: West Virginia 42 Mississippi 14 - Fyodor wins!

Washington (+19) at USC
Hunch time again, kiddies. Take the Huskies and the points.
FINAL: USC 26 Washington 20 - Fyodor wins! (I love it when a hunch comes true.)

LSU (+1) at Florida
The Game of the Week! Pick LSU on the road!
FINAL: Florida 23 LSU 10 - Fyodor loses! (Eek! Gators!)

Maryland (+14) at Georgia Tech
The Terps stink out loud. Take Tech to cover. Big time.
FINAL: GT 27 Maryland 23 - Fyodor loses! (The Yellowjackets come up small. Very small.)

Bowling Green (+35.5) at Ohio State
The number is too big. Take Bowling Green and the points.
FINAL: OSU 35 BG 7 - Fyodor wins! (Fyodor is a genius! Barely.)

Oklahoma (+3.5) at Texas (Actually, Dallas, I think. It does not matter in this rivalry.)
Somebody has been betting the line down from 6. Not me. Take Texas. They'll win easily.
FINAL: Texas 28 Oklahoma 10 - Fyodor wins! (Yep.)

Michigan State (+15) at Michigan
Have the Spartans given up on this season? I say not yet. Take State and the points.
FINAL: Michigan 31 Michigan State 13 - Fyodor loses! (Fyodor is an idiot!)

Arizona (+12) at UCLA
I should be tired of picking the Bruins to cover, but I'm not. Pick UCLA.
FINAL: UCLA 27 Arizona 7 - Fyodor wins!

Connecticut (+6.5) at South Florida
The Bulls are better than you think. Pick South Florida.
FINAL: South Florida 38 UConn 16 - Fyodor wins! (Connecticut football has turned back into a pumpkin.)

Washington State (-3.5) at Oregon State
The Cougars should cover this easily against the Beavers, yet I am picking them reluctantly. What is wrong here?
FINAL: Washington State 13 Oregon State 6 - Fyodor wins! (Nothing wrong! Fyodor is genius again!)

Duke (+29) at Alabama
Thank goodness this spread isn't 29.5. Go with Alabama.
FINAL: Alabama 30 Duke 14 - Fyodor loses! (IDIOT!)

South Carolina (-5) at Kentucky
A rather unappealing game. Coach Superior is due. Pick the Gamecocks.
FINAL: South Carolina 24 Kentucky 17 - Fyodor wins!

Tennessee (-2.5) at Georgia
Even though the Vols might find a way to screw this one up, I will pick them to cover.
FINAL: Tennessee 51 Georgia 33 - Fyodor wins! (HALF A HUNDRED? No screw up and Georgia's defense is exposed! Brilliant!)

Nebraska (-6.5) at Iowa State
The Cyclones can win this one, but won't. Take the Huskers to cover.
FINAL: Nebraska 28 Iowa State 14 - Fyodor wins! (Picking games involving Nebraska is a nightmare.)

Oregon (+4.5) at California
I'll go with Cal at home.
FINAL: Cal 45 Oregon 24 - Fyodor wins! (Who knew this would turn into The Battle of the World's Worst Uniforms?)

Sunday 10/8

Northern Illinois (-14) at Miami of Ohio
I doubt Miami can slow them down. Go with Northern Illinois.
FINAL: Northern Illinois 28 Miami 25 - Fyodor loses! (That's what I get for paying attention to a Sunday night college game.)

Why not Heather Graham? (The Last)

From the pages of The King Abdullah Gazette:

Animal Flesh Recipes of the Day: Special Roast Pig Edition

One of my business partners is having their annual pig roast for friends, family, co-workers, vendors, clients, et cetera tomorrow. I do not know how they roast it, but I do know it tastes marvelous.

For those who will not be able to attend, here are a couple of PEONWAP recipes from the Food Network.

Roasted Stuffed Pig
Recipe courtesy Jack McDavid

Recipe Summary
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 11 hours

100 pound pig

Stuffing:

10 apples, roughly chopped
1 pound brown sugar
3/4 cup chipotle powder
1/4 cup salt
10 pounds bulk pork sausage
2 large heads green cabbage, sliced

Salt and pepper inside and outside of the pig. Combine stuffing ingredients and fill cavity of the pig. Roast pig over charcoal and hickory wood, slowly for about 10 to 11 hours at 275 degrees.

[Pig roaster available from Bob Moyer -- (215) 257-2710]

Mojo Criollo Roasted Pig
Recipe courtesy La Caja China

Recipe Summary
Difficulty: Medium
Prep Time: 1 hour
Cook Time: 4 hours
Yield: 150 servings

Mojo Criollo Marinade:
1 garlic head
6 ounces orange juice
2 ounces lemon juice
2 teaspoons ground cumin
1 tablespoon chopped oregano leaves
3 teaspoons salt
4 ounces water

1 (75-pound) pig

Eek! That's only eight pre-cooked ounces of pig for each guest! What do they think we are? French?

Special Equipment:
La Caja China Box Model #1 or Model #2, heavy-duty silicone grill mitts to protect hands when handling hot Caja China Box and parts.

Make marinade:
Peel and mash the garlic cloves. Mix all the ingredients together in a bowl. Let stand for a minimum of 1 hour. Strain marinade and then inject the marinade into the pig. Let marinate overnight, in the refrigerator, for best results.

Open the pork by the belly, but do not cut or poke holes into the upper or side skin. Place the grease tray inside the Caja China. Tie the pig in between the grids, on its back, and place in the grease tray. Close the Caja China with the ash pan and charcoal grid. Allow 4 inches of separation between the roast and the ash pan. We recommend the pork be at room temperature at the time of roasting.

Prepare the charcoal:
We recommend Kingsford Charcoal because it lights faster, burns evenly, and lasts longer. Never use instant charcoal. Start with 14 pounds of charcoal for Caja China Model #1 and 16 pounds for Model #2. Place the charcoal into 2 piles of equal size, on each end of the charcoal tray. Never place charcoal on center of tray. Add lighter fluid and light.

When the charcoal is lit for 15 minutes, distribute it evenly throughout the tray. Once this process is completed, roast pork for 3 hours, without opening the Caja China.

Add more charcoal after 1 hour and distribute evenly throughout the tray.

After 3 hours, wearing heavy-duty silicone mitts, remove the charcoal tray, ash pan, and dump the ashes. Then turn the pork over and cut into the skin, every 4 to 6 inches. Place the ash pan and charcoal tray, filled with new charcoal, back into position and continue the roasting process. Check the skin after 20 minutes, slightly opening the box by 1 of the corners. You can continue this process until the skin's crispness is to your liking. For a pig this large, it will probably require a full hour on its second side.

Remove the pork from the Caja China. Deposit the contents of the grease tray into a container, let cool, and discard with trash. You can slice the pork with a plate; it is not necessary to use a knife.

Amateurs! While it is still warm, sop up the grease with chunks of crusty Italian bread and enjoy it as an appetizer while the pig is being carved. Yum-yum-yum.

This recipe was provided by professional chefs and may have been scaled down from a bulk recipe provided by a restaurant. The FN chefs have not tested this recipe, in the proportions indicated, and therefore, we cannot make any representation as to the results.