SEX IS DEATH. (Attack of the hooker dolls)

I came to Carthage, where I found myself in the midst of a hissing cauldron of lusts. I had not yet fallen in love, but I was in love with the idea of it, and this feeling that something was missing made me despise myself for not being more anxious to satisfy the need. I began to look around for some object for my love, since I badly wanted to love something. —St. Augustine, Confessions

Be careful what you teach your daughters, kiddies. We'll need their help in turning boys into gentlemen.

USA Today: Dolls lose their innocence

Memo to holiday shoppers: As you roam the doll aisles in coming weeks, looking for the perfect gift for the little girl in your life, don't panic if you suddenly think you've wandered into Victoria's Secret - or, worse, a lap-dance bar. It happens to the best of us.

This month, doll shelves are brimming with sex and glitz, as the latest lineup of 10-inch tarts strut their stuff into the hearts of girls everywhere. Mattel's slinky "My Scene" collection has ramped up the glam for the holidays with its "Fab Faces" dolls, mini-minxes with pliable mugs (Make them pout!) that come with boas, tiaras and accessories "no diva can live without."

I am surprised their faces can't be warped into giving GI Joe a Clinton.

Play Along's coquettish Dream Dancer dolls (kid sisters to the hot-pantsed Sky Dancers) should also be a big hit on Christmas morning, flashing their long legs as they spin on their signature swivel bases. (Can you say pole dance?)

Cute.

And, of course, there's MGA Entertainment's notorious Bratz dolls, those high-heeled, dewy-eyed baby fashionistas of the preschool set. Looking for all the world like tiny hookers - exposed midriffs, painted faces - the Bratz line is doing the bling thing for Christmas with its "Diamondz" collection, adding 10-carat sparkle to an accessories cache that already includes mobile phones, glitter mini-skirts and (sigh) thonglike underwear.

WTF???

You've come a long way, Raggedy Ann.

Sex indeed sells, as anyone who's ever been seduced by a flesh-soaked Calvin Klein ad or undulating iPod commercial can tell you. That's to be expected by grown-up consumers. We're easy that way. But as toymakers continue to target increasingly younger audiences with the same come-hither come-on, we have to ask ourselves, what is all this doing to our kids?

"Children are sexual beings, but in an ideal world they grow into their sexuality gradually, and in an age-appropriate way," says Jean Kilbourne, author of the book Can't Buy My Love: How Advertising Changes the Way We Think and Feel. "Now, there is so much pressure on them at a young age to model an adult version of sex that is way beyond their comprehension."

To say the least.

As the father of two girls, I've seen firsthand the way sex has slithered into the dollhouse - and our lives - and like most parents, I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard sell.

When my youngest daughter, Audrey, for example, asked for her first Bratz doll at age 4, I cringed. (The one she wanted, Cloe, dressed like someone I dated in college. Trust me, that's not a good thing.) And yet before I knew it, I was caving in to that age-old entreaty - "But everyone else has one!" - and plunking down my 20 bucks.

Is it impossible to say no to a child? Candy instead of vegetables? A real doll as opposed to a tiny plastic whore?

What children need is discipline - and discipline means rules, not punishment.

My guess is that I'm not the only parent whose resolve evaporates in the aisles of Toys 'R' Us. Bratz is, after all, a $2.5 billion worldwide property. If not me, some other sucker.

Billion.

If I may digress for a moment...Think of the starving in Africa.

Even so, you don't have to be a social scientist to see how, for every plastic vamp we allow to sashay through our kids' bedrooms, we are only encouraging a larger sexual trend to take root in their culture. From the boy-crazy characters in tween movies to the barely there costumes on Dancing with the Stars, sex has become something our kids are growing up with rather than growing into, and this uninvited tutoring is often occurring below the radar.

There are ways to isolate kids from this sort of evil, but it is better to prepare them for it. May I suggest the Catholic Church's teachings on sexuality?

Fortunately, parents are beginning to fight back. Hasbro was planning to trot out a chorus line of figurines modeled after raunch rockers The Pussycat Girls (Don't Ya Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me?) - that is, until a Brooklyn mom kick-started a letter-writing campaign complaining that the torrid troupe was "definitely not for kids." Hasbro eventually scrapped the idea.

The battle is also escalating among the competing manufacturers themselves. AG Properties, which markets the more "wholesome" Holly Hobbie characters (sweet-faced kids, furry pets - you get the picture), recently commissioned a survey of 1,010 mothers with preteen daughters to determine how they feel about the army of sultry chickies invading their kids' playrooms. The results were nearly unanimous: 90% expressed a desire for a wider selection of dolls that were positive role models for young girls, while 85% said they are fed up with the "sexpot" playthings available.

Uh-oh. "Role models"? Look for Leslie The Lesbian Lawyer doll by next Christmas.

So where does all of this leave Christmas shoppers?

Like everything else with parenting, we need to be discriminating. For my money (literally), I remain a big fan of the American Girl doll line, if only because it has the audacity to teach little girls U.S. history instead of fashion tips. And yes, I've even taken a shine to the legendary Barbie, who despite her tiny-waisted, ballistically busted notoriety, has in recent years been making efforts to give parents a choice. To be sure, Babs sports some pretty risqué ensembles in her "Bling Bling" collection, but she also stars as a Dancing Princess and Rapunzel in a separate fairy tales line. And in her storybooks, she volunteers at an animal shelter and raises money for starving kids. Not bad for a 50s-era airhead.

So, big breasts equal stupidity? It sounds like somebody has a problem with more than just dolls...

But whatever we do, let's be sure not to throw the baby doll out with the bathwater. Even at 7 and 11, my daughters still occasionally seek comfort from the old gang in the toy chest, proving that, every now and then, combing through a small head of hair is just what the doctored ordered.

To quote Cyndi Lauper - herself, something of a vamp - sometimes girls just want to have fun.

Part 1: SEX IS DEATH. (Stories for boys) is here.
Part 2: SEX IS DEATH. (Distaff death) is here.
Part 3: SEX IS DEATH. (Joyously dispensing death) is here.
Part 4: SEX IS DEATH. (Sex is depression) is here.
Part 5: SEX IS DEATH. (When self-pleasuring becomes self-destruction) is here.
Part 6: SEX IS DEATH. (Sex is theft) is here.
Part 7: SEX IS DEATH. (A review of Bareback Mountain) is here.
Part 8: SEX IS DEATH. (What is the ultimate penalty?) is here.
Part 9: SEX IS DEATH. (Haven from reality) is here.
Part 10: SEX IS DEATH. (Sin-redemption-reasons-reason) is here.
Part 11: SEX IS DEATH. (Mommy loves you) is here.
Part 12: SEX IS DEATH. (George Gilder offers a clue) is here.
Part 13: SEX IS DEATH. (Post-killem depression) is here.
Part 14: SEX IS DEATH. (Whither womanhood) is here.
Part 15: SEX IS DEATH. (Saving psychology 1) is here.
Part 16: SEX IS DEATH. (Saving psychology 2) is here.
Part 17: SEX IS DEATH. (Fear of the boomers) is here.
Part 18: SEX IS DEATH. (The battle continues apace) is here.
Part 19: SEX IS DEATH. (Hot for teacher) is here.
Part 20: SEX IS DEATH. (Kids do the darndest things) is here.
Part 21: SEX IS DEATH. (Defects) is here.
Part 22: SEX IS DEATH. (Privates' privacy) is here.
Part 23: SEX IS DEATH. (National Condom Week) is here.
Part 24: SEX IS DEATH. (Wegenics) is here.
Part 25: SEX IS DEATH. (White wedding) is here.
Part 26: SEX IS DEATH. (Literally) is here.
Part 27: SEX IS DEATH. (Can't get me no satisfaction) is here.
Part 28: SEX IS DEATH. (Wrestle with mania) is here.
Part 29: SEX IS DEATH. (Press one for death/Presione uno para la muerte) is here.
Part 30: SEX IS DEATH. (Raunch culture) is here.
Part 31: SEX IS DEATH. (Gimme some of that sweet zombie lovin') is here.
Part 32: SEX IS DEATH. (The devil made me eat my baby) is here.
Part 33: SEX IS DEATH. (Mind control = womb control) is here.
Part 34: SEX IS DEATH. (The expense of playing with yourself) is here.
Part 35: SEX IS DEATH. (You can't always get what you want) is here.
Part 36: SEX IS DEATH. (Whom does a master serve?) is here.
Part 37: SEX IS DEATH. (Shootin' 5 for 8) is here.
Part 38: SEX IS DEATH. (Being a never-wed mom of four and an illegal alien is no picnic either) is here.
Part 39: SEX IS DEATH. (Duane indulges himself then goes out in a blaze of cowardice) is here.
Part 40: SEX IS DEATH. (The line is not fine at all) is here.
Part 41: SEX IS DEATH. (Worse than homelessness) is here.