Hallelujah! America's First Black Sage speaks!

Wisdom (as if from on high) bursts forth from some orifice belonging to King Goober II. (Thanks to The Aspen Times via Drudge.)

A last-minute addition to the roster of high-profile speakers in town for the Aspen Ideas Festival, Clinton sat down for an hour-long chat with Aspen Institute President Walter Isaacson. They touched on topics ranging from partisan politics to terrorism and an even bigger threat to national security - global warming.

An ideas festival! Groovy! Goober's got some ideas for you...In his pants!

"We've got to make it a national security argument and we've got to make it a jobs argument and we've got to make the price of oil irrelevant," Clinton said, suggesting the country could create millions of jobs if alternative energy efforts received a fraction of the tax incentives that go to "old energy."

He's got lots of "new energy" since his surgery...in his pants! (Ha! That never gets old.)

"This is a lay-down economically and it's nuts that we're not doing it," said the former president, earning a round of applause not just in Harris Hall, but in nearby Paepcke Auditorium, where an overflow audience and members of the press watched a simulcast of the interview.

Heehee! This guy never gives up! "Lay-down", get it? Nudge-nudge. Wink-wink. Fat white chicks with low self esteem must love the Aspen Ideas Festival.

Dissecting John Kerry's loss to President Bush last year, Clinton blamed the Democratic candidate's soft stand on security and the party's inability to reach out to rural, white America.

Instant translation: "I'ma gonna reach out and touch your fat rural white trash daughters, that's what I'ma gonna do". (Heehee. John Kerry had a "soft stand" . Get it? "Me mighty phallus, him tiny dead banana. But me kinda dig his wife's accent. Too bad she a two bagger". )

According to Clinton, in the final days of campaigning on Kerry's behalf, it was clear even Kerry's supporters weren't clear on the candidate's position on national security.

Ha! Kerry's "position" was bent over!

"I think, in the end, he lost in a close race because of the security issue," he said.

But beyond that, the Democratic Party wasn't able to reach out to much of rural America even though it increased voter registration and participation among groups that had previously shied from the polls.

Those fat chicks never shied away from Goober's pole.

Kerry won Cleveland by a huge margin but lost Ohio, Clinton noted.

"My advice is, get on a bus and go to rural Ohio.

"You can't win an election in this country unless you talk to people who you think aren't for you," Clinton said. "A person who wants to be president has to be at home with issues and people when he knows he's on the losing side.

Stick a cigar in 'em an' they won't be agin' ya!

"Switching gears and geography, Clinton said he found a lesson in his relief work for tsunami-ravaged countries that could help fight terrorism. In the wake of the natural disaster, a poll indicated the United States made great gains in the eyes of Indonesians, while Osama bin Laden's image suffered, even though the Afghan rebel did nothing to Indonesia. But he did nothing to help, either.

"Sometimes the best politics is a human contact, not a political one," Clinton said.

Genius!