Dude! Make mine shaken, not stirred.

From the same line of reasoning that brought us government school "teachers" pulling condoms over bananas in front of your kids comes colleges teaching your kids how to drink alcoholic beverages.

The remedy for rampant drinking at American colleges? It could be a crash course in the art of sensible social drinking, reminiscent of the old-fashioned, formal cocktail hour -- often a showcase for decorum.

"My belief is that we have to face the fact that a certain percentage of college students will drink. So, what can we do to reduce the likelihood of them getting into trouble?" asked Steve Benton, a psychology professor at Kansas State University who has studied the negative patterns of collegiate boozing.

"Students who tend to have attitudes that make them greater risk takers are more likely to get into trouble when drinking," Mr. Benton said. "Even when controlling the amount of alcohol, it's not how much you drink that affects the amount of trouble, but how risky you are."

Indeed, social drinking has devolved into a full-contact sport among party-hearty students, even on campuses that have banned alcohol. The students simply go off-campus to imbibe, often resorting to coarse drinking games such as "bar golf," which sends them to different establishments, brandishing a scorecard to record how many gulps it took to polish off a beer. (Thanks to The Washington Times for the heads up.)

Kiddies, you know I'm not a puritan, but this is stupid. I know a lot of you aren't going to want to hear this but the place for children to learn how to drink responsibly (And, BTW, where they should learn about sex's proper place in their lives) is at home.

In my Italo-Russo-American home, alcohol was no big deal. Wine was drunk with most meals and a cold beer was what dad had after mowing the lawn on a hot day. Once in a while, Your Humble Underage Servant actually was served wine (mixed with a lot of water) with his lasagna. [Etymology: Italian lasagna, from (assumed) Vulgar Latin lasania cooking pot, its contents, from Latin lasanum chamber pot, from Greek lasanon]

My siblings and I were taught that getting drunk was a sin, but that if used properly, there is nothing inherently wrong with alcohol. Not only does this admittedly Mediterranean way of doing things tend to cut down on binge drinking, it also helps to discourage drinking in bars. To this day, I much prefer drinking with friends and family over a meal at home to throwing back a few with a bunch of strangers.

If my anecdotal knowledge is not enough to sway you, look at it this way: Would you want Ward Churchill or Sally Jacobsen drinking with your kids?