You might be a goomba if...

This is for all you deracinated and dessicated too-white-by-half fools who try to deny the fact the blood of the Old Country and tomato sauce flow through your veins.

From Italian Without Words by Don Cangelosi:


1. You wear guinea tees year round, and wear your silk dress shirt buttoned down with guinea tee showing, gold necklaces showing as well.
2. Your black and gray dress pants outnumber your blue jeans in your wardrobe.
3. You consider eating a piping hot slice a peetz a moment of absolute Heaven.
4. You drive an old Caddy or a red sports car (Iroc Z, Monte Carlo) with a tri-color bumper reflector and horn hanging from the mirror.
5. You own a leather jacket / your car seats are leather.
6. Your favorite actor is Pesci.
7. You own all 5 "Rocky" movies and "The Godfather" DVD collection.
8. Salami and mozzarell' are beauty-ful things.
9. You are Catholic & make the sign of the cross every time you pass a Church/nun.
10. You say things like "Madonna mia, You're stunad, Fugheddaboutit, and I got agita."
11. You use your hands to talk more than your mouth.
12. KTU is always programmed on your radio dial and your CD collection consists of Dean Martin, Sinatra, and some Angelo Venuto for club night.
13. Cannolis are beauty-ful things.
14. Your friends are named Johnny, Frankie, Anthony, or Joey and for females; Maria or Marie. (You kiss them on both cheeks to greet them-always).
15. Your grandmother cooks homemade meatballs and gravy on Sunday.
16. You live in the NYC/NJ tri-state area and can relate to "The Sopranos."
17. Hair gel is one of your best friends.
18. You always wear your gold bracelets, watch, and pinkie rings.
19. You know that there's nothing a little vino can't fix.
20. You're clean shaven, sweet smelling, tan year round, & best looking-of course.
21. When you don't have a cigarette in your mouth, you are chewing on a toothpick.
22. You quote lines from "My Cousin Vinny," "Kiss Me Guido," and "Easy Money."
23. You drink Pellegrino, Orangina, Paramalat, & Peroni.
24. You dress in black on most occasions, and always to impress.
25. For guys... mama is numero uno!
26. You always have a new, clean pair of Filas and own several Fila warm-up suits.
27. You have a stupid nickname. Or two.
28. Guys must respect their women-or else.
29. You consider green, white, and red to be the colors of perfection.
30. You are sweet and sensitive under that tough guy exterior.31.
You have respect for the late Dapper Don (Gotti). He wasn't perfect but he was Italian.
32. You still go to Church every Sunday morning.
33. You're always faithful to your girl/guy even if you hang at The Bing now and then.
34. You "talk" like an Italian even if you may not speak it.
35. You grow perfect facial hair like Piazza.
36. You love old school Madonna and Bon Jovi. (Heck you love the 80's just as much as the Travolta 70's!)
37. You love hangin in Little Italy, especially San Genarro time.
38. You think your car and apartment are the coolest, even if they aren't the greatest.
39. Your team is the Bronx Bombers because they have the most paizans (Di Maggio, Rizutto, Berra, Torre, Giambi to name a few).
40. You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
41. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, and travel agent are all your cousins.
42. You netted more than 50 grand on your first communion.
43. Your grandfather has a fig tree in the backyard.
44. You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
45. You thought every meal had to be eaten with a hunk of bread in your left hand.
46. You have relatives you don't speak to.
47. You love Torrone, Nutella and those Rocher candies.
48. You've experienced the phenomena of 150 people fitting into 50 square feet of yard during a family cookout.
49. You were surprised to discover the FDA recommends you eat three meals a day, not seven.
50. You grew up thinking that nothing had a fixed price and that the price of everything was negotiable through haggling.
51. You still don't eat meat on Fridays during Lent.
52. Plastic on the furniture is perfectly normal.
53. At some point in your life, you were a D.J.
54. You thought everyone got pinched on the cheeks and got money stuffed in their pockets by relatives.
55. Your uncles and other male relatives still wear old school fedora style hats and Kangols (LL Cool J and the mooleys stole this style from us long ago, along with Cadillacs, bling bling and many other things!)
56. You get your coldcuts in one store, your steaks in another, your pasta and bread in another, and most of your lettuce and tomatoes from your backyard garden.
57. Even though you aren't rich, you tip everyone-and well.
58. You have several tropical style summer shirts and your trusty old pair of sandals just for those beach and boardwalk jaunts.
59. You know what a Perodi is.
60. You are outgoing, do everything to the extreme, and show pride in your interests-the main one being your Italian-American heritage!
61. You own an Italy World Cup jersey, even if you don't play or follow soccer.
62. Olive oil is in your veins.
63. You believe tasteful gaudiness is classy.
64. You've played bocce and horseshoes.
65. You have received Pannetone as a holiday gift from a relative and then you gave it away as a gift to another relative.
66. You request off work on Columbus Day.
67. Dunking a biscott' in cappuccino is considered a nutritious breakfast and dunking peaches in homemade wine is a great mid afternoon snack.
68. You say things like "Meengya this guy's no mezza-fanook! Salud and mangia, and Oofah!"
69. You never go out without wearing your religious medals. You look down at them, bless yourself, and then kiss your fingers at least six times a day for luck.
70. Your house must have a leather recliner, a huge Crucifix above the bed, a crystal chandelier, a white and red checkered tablecloth, a mini Tower of Pisa statue in the backyard, and an Italian flag on the front lawn.
71. You get into "which is better debates" with people about Caddy and Lincoln engines or Sinatra's and Dean-O's voices.
72. You have at least one male relative with a pony tail and he can play the accordion or the mandolin.
73. You know what Vespas and gondolas are.
74. You love all the guido stereotypes, you play them up and you don't give a damn what anyone thinks of you!
75. You laughed all through this!