55 members in good standing of The Party of Blasphemy, Buggery, and 'Bortion claim to be Catholic too.

Sadly, Washington's other newspaper didn't print all the names of these moral giants who have found a way to reconcile Jesus and chopping up their children.

Still reeling from the attacks on Sen. John F. Kerry's brand of Roman Catholicism during the 2004 presidential race, 55 House Democrats issued a joint statement yesterday on the central role that the Catholic faith plays in their public lives.

The signers said they were fed up with being labeled "good Catholics" or "bad Catholics" based on one issue -- abortion. They said their religion infuses their positions on many issues: poverty, war, health care and education.

"Some of us are pro-choice and some of us are pro-life," said Rep. William J. Pascrell Jr. (D-N.J.). "But we respect each other and we're going to defend each other, because we're all operating in good conscience."

The statement stressed that all of the Catholic Democrats share the goal of reducing the incidence of abortion.

That is what is known as a lie, kiddies.

"We envision a world in which every child belongs to a loving family and agree with the Catholic Church about the value of human life and the undesirability of abortion -- we do not celebrate its practice," the statement said. "Each of us is committed to reducing the number of unwanted pregnancies and creating an environment with policies that encourage pregnancies to be carried to term."

The statement also said that though the Catholic Democrats "seek the Church's guidance and assistance," they "accept the tension that comes with being in disagreement with the Church in some areas."

They say "being in disagreement". I say "mortal sin".

I can live with that, but they can't.

No, really. They can't.

Rep. Rosa L. DeLauro (D-Conn.) said the Catholic Democrats "have decided to stop letting others define us." But Tom McClusky, a Catholic who is acting vice president for government affairs at the Family Research Council, predicted they would fail.

Yeah, honey. It's so unfair when priests, bishops, the pope, and two thousand years of tradition get to define what a Catholic is. And isn't.

"What is at the core of being Catholic is the life issue, and that's something the pope has never strayed from," he said. "While other issues are important -- such as helping the poor, the death penalty, views on war -- these are things that aren't tenets of the Catholic Church."

Happily, these power-mad acolytes of Big Babykilling were actually dimwitted enough to issue a press release and sign it! From under the rock of Congressthing Rosa L. DeLauro comes the greatest Catholic document since John Kerry's concession speech! (Never fear, kiddies. I'll help you get through it with my usual wit and wisdom.)



FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

House Democrats Release Historic Catholic Statement of Principles

Ta-da!

Expresses Commitment to Dignity of Life and Belief that Government Has ‘Moral Purpose’

Ta-da!

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A majority of Catholic Democrats in the U.S. House led by Congresswoman Rosa L. DeLauro (Conn.-3) today released a statement of principles. Signed by 55 House Democrats, the statement documents how their faith influences them as lawmakers, making clear their commitment to the basic principles at the heart of Catholic social teaching and their bearing on policy – whether it is increasing access to education for all or pressing for real health care reform, taking seriously the decision to go to war, or reducing poverty. Above all, the document expresses the signers’ commitment to the dignity of life and their belief that government has moral purpose.

TA-DA!

The full text of the statement and the complete list of signers follow.

Statement of Principles By Fifty-Five Catholic Democrats in the U.S. House of Representatives

As Catholic Democrats in Congress, we are proud to be part of the living (DINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDING! Code word alert! See "living constitution". - F.G.) Catholic tradition -- a tradition that promotes the common good, expresses a consistent moral framework for life and highlights the need to provide a collective safety net to those individuals in society who are most in need. As legislators, in the U.S. House of Representatives, we work every day to advance respect for life and the dignity of every human being. We believe that government has moral purpose.

Uh...Democrassolics? The Church exists to save souls, not to support your latest food stamp bill....in case you haven't heard...or forgot...or don't really care.

We are committed to making real the basic principles that are at the heart of Catholic social teaching: helping the poor and disadvantaged, protecting the most vulnerable among us, and ensuring that all Americans of every faith are given meaningful opportunities to share in the blessings of this great country. That commitment is fulfilled in different ways by legislators but includes: reducing the rising rates of poverty; increasing access to education for all; pressing for increased access to health care; and taking seriously the decision to go to war. Each of these issues challenges our obligations as Catholics to community and helping those in need.

WE SAID TA-FREAKIN'-DA, PEOPLE!

Uh...is this thing on?

Hello...?

We envision a world in which every child belongs to a loving family (And if nobody loves that child, just kill him. After all, there's a 50% chance he'll grow up to be a Repansycan. - F.G.) and agree with the Catholic Church about the value of human life and the undesirability of abortion B (I haven't changed a single letter in this release. The lack of proofreading means two things: 1) They are dumbasses and 2) They think nobody will actually read it. - F.G.) we do not celebrate its practice. (Except when it will get us votes. - F.G.) Each of us is committed to reducing the number of unwanted pregnancies (Contraception is a mortal sin too, dumbass. Oops! I forgot you guys and gals are only playing at being Catholic. - F.G.) and creating an environment with policies that encourage pregnancies to be carried to term. (Unless anybody anywhere wants to kill that kid. - F.G.) We believe this includes promoting alternatives to abortion, such as adoption, and improving access to children=s (Honestly, these morons can't find the apostrophe key. And these are the folks who tell you the government schools are working while sending the kids they haven't personally killed to the best private schools. - F.G.) healthcare and child care, as well as policies that encourage paternal and maternal responsibility.

In all these issues, we seek the Church=s guidance and assistance but believe also in the primacy of conscience. (DINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDING! Instant translation: Luther was right and two thousand years of the best the human race has to offer is wrong! We can kill whomever we choose whenever we choose! To hell with conscience! Will über alles! - F.G.) In recognizing the Church's role in providing moral leadership, we acknowledge and accept the tension (WTF??? Are these Democrassolics looking for a back rub? Are they coming on to me??? - F.G.) that comes with being in disagreement with the Church in some areas. Yet we believe we can speak to the fundamental issues that unite us as Catholics and lend our voices to changing the political debate -- a debate that often fails to reflect and encompass the depth and complexity of these issues.

As legislators, we are charged with preserving the Constitution, (Oh, puleeeeeeeze! Even Ruth "Gator" Dimsburg doesn't buy that one anymore. - F. G.) which guarantees religious freedom for all Americans. In doing so, we guarantee our right to live our own lives as Catholics, but also foster an America with a rich diversity of faiths. We believe the separation of church and state allows for our faith to inform our public duties.

As Catholic Democrats who embrace the vocation and mission of the laity as expressed by Pope John Paul II in his Apostolic Exhortation, Christifideles Laici, we believe that the Church is the "people of God," called to be a moral force in the broadest sense. We believe the Church as a community is called to be in the vanguard of creating a more just America and world. And as such, we have a claim on the Church's bearing as it does on ours.

I'm not sure "bearing" is the word the braying jackasses were looking for. But then again, it does not really matter because they are sophists and the definitions of "living" words are fluid things.

Not a single word about The One, True Faith handed down by their families for generations. That would be amazing if I didn't know what motivates these clowns.

They are going to have fun trying to explain their signatures on this particular bit of flapdoodle when they get to the Pearly Gates.

(I will now single out those who appear to have some connection to Madre Italia. What I like to call heritage Catholics.)

Rosa L. DeLauro (Possible dumb dago babykiller.)
David R. Obey
Wm. Lacy Clay
Hilda L. Solis
James R. Langevin
Bart Stupak
Anna Eshoo
Bill Pascrell (Possible dumb dago babykiller. You missin' a vowel there, pal? "The Pascrells make the revolution and the Pascrellis pay for it." See my favorite Leon Trotsky story plus me being ultra serious here.)
Betty McCollum
Gene Taylor
Raul M. Grijalva
Carolyn McCarthy
John B. Larson
Ed Pastor
Joe Baca
William Delahunt
Tim Ryan
Silvestre Reyes
Mike Thompson
Linda T. Sanchez
Charles A. Gonzalez
Xavier Becerra
Diane Watson
Michael H. Michaud
Nydia Velazquez
Jim Marshall
Frank Pallone (Definite dumb dago babykiller.)
John T. Salazar
James P. McGovern
George Miller
Tim Holden
James L. Oberstar
Dale E. Kildee
Patrick J. Kennedy
Cynthia McKinney
James P. Moran
Michael Capuano (Definite dumb dago babykiller.)
Richard E. Neal
Mike Doyle
Peter A. DeFazio (Definite dumb dago babykiller.)
Maurice Hinchey
Dennis A. Cardoza
Joseph Crowley
Jim Costa
Lucille Roybal-Allard
Loretta Sanchez
Robert Brady
Marty Meehan
Grace Napolitano (Possible dumb dago babykiller - marriage?)
Luis V. Gutierrez
Jose Serrano
Stephen Lynch
Edward J. Markey
Nancy Pelosi (Possible dumb dago babykiller by marriage?)
Lane Evans