Evil & Banal, Unlimited has a branch office in Fyodor's neighborhood, too.

ABOVE: The power of the terminally rebellious peepee meets the power of the press in the bucolic Garden Spot of the good ol' US of A.


My third-favorite bumpkin scribe of the totalitarian middle, Gil 'Get' Smart, (That's what I call him in my inimitable idiot's idiom, though I think his real middle name is 'Not Quite Half'.) vomits forth some down-home fascism in the hopes of being called up to the Major Leagues of ignorance.

Get a load of this, kiddies:

When abortion is the lesser evil

No, he's not talking about two abortions. He'd have to remove both shoes to count that high. Sssshhh. Members of the sloth family are notoriously sensitive about everything.

Today’s bit is meant for female readers. And it comes with a warning label: It is going to be harsh. Unfortunately, it’s also real — and something you might want to consider before we go any farther down our current road.

Hey girls, it's a "bit"! Raping, torturing, (Real torture. Not Abu Grab-u s&m playtime torture.) and killing you is fodder for the Lancaster Sunday News' own Shecky Beria. He'll be here all week.

I want you to imagine, for a moment, that you are Imette St. Guillen.

You might recognize the name. St. Guillen was a college student pursuing her master’s degree at John Jay College of Criminal Justice in New York City. Friends described her as a “caring, bright, radiant” young woman.

I want you to imagine that you are Imette St. Guillen, and went out with friends one night, as she did Feb. 25.And I want you to imagine that on your way home, like St. Guillen, you were savagely raped.

I want you to imagine that, like St. Guillen, your hands and feet were bound with plastic ties, your hair chopped off.

You were tortured, sodomized, perhaps “violated with objects,” as police say the real St. Guillen’s wounds suggest.

Like St. Guillen, you were choked, a tube sock stuffed down your throat. And I want you to imagine that your face — your face — was wrapped in packing tape, effectively obliterating your identity.

It was the most vicious, violent, animalistic attack imaginable. The real St. Guillen died as a result.

Note the lack of punishment for the rapist and murderer. Typical "liberal" compassion for women. Gil Boy's rage is reserved for the child conceived during a rape and for anyone civilized enough to actually love that child. Silly Christians, that's a "rape-product", not a baby.

But I want you to imagine that you managed to live through it.

And then, a few weeks later, you discover you’re pregnant. What do you do?

Many, perhaps most women, might be unable to bear the additional trauma. And the law, as it now stands, would permit them to end the pregnancy.

But as you know, there is a well-funded, well-organized attempt to change the law. It seems likely that at some point in the not-too-distant future, the Supreme Court will overturn Roe v. Wade. If it happens, states will write their own laws. Some may retain abortion rights. Others may restrict abortion, yet permit it in cases of incest or rape. But many states may outlaw even this. One, in fact, has already done so.

South Dakota recently became the first state to ban abortion outright, unless it is necessary to save the life of the mother. The law is likely to be struck down by the U.S. Supreme Court — it is too extreme a move, too soon.

But make no mistake, this type of draconian law is exactly what the front-line shock troops in the abortion wars want. And their politicians are listening: Sen. Sam Brownback of Kansas, a darling of conservative evangelicals, strongly backed the South Dakota law, saying that “rape and incest are horrible crimes, but why punish the innocent child?”

Ah, Get, your blood soaked rags are showing. As is always the case, kiddies, Mr. 'Not Quite Half' Smart's real beef is with God. Killing children is Gil Boy's way of saying "You're not the boss of me, Lord."

La Smart has a particular thing against the politically active friendly protestant forces over in Amish country. In a word, he's a powerless, cowardly, outnumbered rebel who strikes at those who cannot strike back at him. After all, when's the last time you saw a six week old child cave in the skull of a rich, fat, white, left-fascist newspaper gauleiter like old Gil?

It's all political for "men" like Get Smart. See, rape victims might vote for Gil's favorite Democrass mass murderer. Abortion victims can never vote against Comrade Smart's interests.

Always, and in everything, kiddies, remember it is Love versus Power.

One wonders if Mr. Brownback would feel the same had his face been wrapped in packing tape as he was violated by foreign objects.

Actually, Get, Mr. Brownback seems to be, unlike you, a man of principle. I would sooner put my life in his hands than in yours, you petit fasciste thug. Other people's lives seem much too cheap to you, boy.

For it is telling that the men — and it’s almost always men — who scream the loudest for such restrictive laws never fully address the reality of rape or incest. They can never know what it must be like to have to carry the child of a monster who has destroyed your life, how it may force you, day after day, to relive the horror that got you pregnant in the first place.

It is always telling that it is men like you, Gil Boy, who scream the loudest about keeping baby-chopping legal so you can "dispose of" any little indiscretion your genitals might commit. "Bad peepee!"

In truth, they don’t really care. Oh, they will claim to, and there is certainly a raft of organizations dedicated to making the unbearable bearable. But when even a clump of tissue (Ahhhh, if only Gil's mom had had the option of chopping up and throwing away little Forest Clump back in the day...Hey, if he gets to fantasize about killing people, why don't I? At least I wouldn't go after the innocent ones... - F. G.) days or mere seconds old is the moral equivalent of a 6-year-old, abortion becomes a crime greater than any that might have been perpetrated upon you. However brutally you may have been assaulted, if you wind up pregnant, it doesn’t matter.

You don’t matter.

Note the superabundance of tiny paragraphs. Gil must have read Hemingway. Another champion of women's rights, ol' Ernie was.

And so as we hurtle (Oooooh, Gil! We're hurtling! - F. G.) toward the day when Roe v. Wade is overturned and people in this state, and others, labor to pass the most restrictive laws possible, it is worth wondering how you might feel had you been raped as St. Guillen was, and wound up pregnant.

Maybe you would have the child, regardless.

But if you didn’t want to, I suspect you might resent those who would paint you as the criminal.

Gil Smart is associate editor of the Sunday News. E-mail him at gsmart@lnpnews.com, or phone 717-291-8817.

Drop ol' Gil Boy a line. Don't expect a civil reply. But then, why would you? After reading his hateful and murderous fulmination against children, one would be surprised to find La Smart functioning in polite society without one of those Hannibal Lecter masks: "Babies taste goooooooood. Especially with a nice Chianti."

All things considered, (Ha! Get listens daily, I'll bet. His "thought" has that pre-cooked quality about it.) I gave Get the benefit of the doubt in my e-mail decrying his latest bit of printed crapulence:



Dear Get,
You really have to get some proofreaders. Your last column seemed to imply you advocate chopping up little kids because their dads are rapists. This would be akin to Lancaster countians sending you their tax bills because your fat, rich, white owners (Oops, bosses.) are assured of not losing a dime on their convention center boondoggle because our fat, rich, white owners (Oops, politicians.) are backing it with our hard earned money. (By the way, where's your outrage on that one, Mr. Friend of the Little Guy? Oh, right. You're their bitch. Somebody's got to pay for all those donuts and cheeseburgers, right?)

Anyway, everybody who can read and is bored enough to look at your foolishness knows you are just an ignorant little goof who's good for a couple of laughs each Sunday. You don't have the nerve to actually be a child-murdering pervert. You're more Vichy France than Stalinist Russia. (Of course, I don't doubt you could grow into a babykiller. They say Fidel is still a little squeamish at the sight of his victims' blood. You can always hire it done.)

So get out from under your desk and find someone to clean up your mess, boy. You wouldn't want anyone to think any less of you, after all. (Ha! It was impossible to type that last sentence with a straight face.)

Fyodor Garibaldi