Zardoz Revisited: Time for some synchronicity, kiddies...

...but without the Jungian piffle, of course.

But ol' Jungie made up the word and its definition, so let us leave it to him.Syncretism! That's what it's time for!

I will combine my belief that Zardoz is the greatest dumbass movie of all time with my belief in the disintegration of Western Civilization.

It hit me during the last post when I veered into the idea of Zardoz (the giant flying head made of stone) dropping rubbers and Norplant on those backward villagers out there. (That is Western Civilization these days, kiddies.)

The head itself will have to be changed. I was thinking of putting Diane Feinstein's ugly mug on it. As she is wont to remind us, she is the only professionally nulliparous broad on the Judiciary Committee, and as such she must be the defender of Big Babykilling.

Perhaps we could have a rotation of faces on the new stone head. Hugh Hefner 's could be one. As the Father of Modern Masturbation, I think he would fit perfectly with the Zardozian zeitgeist:
Zardoz: The gun is good.

Exterminators: The gun is good.

Zardoz: The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life, and poisons the earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the gun shoots death, and purifies the earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth and kill!

See what I mean kiddies? Today, ol' Stonehead could not possibly distribute guns to the natives. Too messy. And too manly for our ever more effeminate elites.

But condoms, Norplant, Depo-Provera, et cetera, are perfect. Let us eliminate the smelly brutes (Kurtz, call your office.) by convincing them it is a good thing to eliminate themselves. And we tell them they will have loads of fun (Bill Clinton, call your drycleaner.) at the same time.

Sweet, no?

Sorry, but I'm riffing here. Back to ol' Hefalump. The new and improved Zardoz can throw Big Masturbation a bone by dumping tons of those article filled mags (at third world discount subscription prices, naturally) on the heads of those so benighted as to still believe kids are good.

Because, kiddies, if the evil penis and its evil seed cause evil everywhere, therefore everyone must shoot blanks to be good.

HaHa! No, vasectomies are too expensive.

Just pull a Clinton on the walls of your mud hut, Haji, while you enjoy visual stimulation courtesy of Big Masturbation - Hefner, Flynt, The Mafia, (Who finances all those films made in the Valley? Yep. My idiot criminal Italian cousins.) et al.
(BTW, kiddies, this is also perfect for our friends over at Big Sodomy. It's hard to shoot anything but blanks when your catcher doesn't have a womb. Unless you are rich and famous like Melissa Etheridge. But that's a whole 'nother turkey baster of worms, kiddies.)

And if you do manage to find a (similarly hued) woman, (She damn well better be similarly hued, you dusky bastard. The fact we can't satisfy our own women does not give you the right to use your primitive animal magnetism to defile them.) Haji, just shove some of our chemicals or barriers into her and you both can have all the fun you ever imagined with absolutely no consequences. Guaranteed*.

And if she's stubborn and resists your natural manly needs, just wrap yourself in a...a...a balloon! Yeah, that's it, a balloon, you dark and/or yellow skinned savage, you. Everybody loves balloons! So put it on, Haji, before you force us to get rough.

And don't think we won't get rough with you, you...you virile beast! You and your fertile women who still have actual curves and still know how to make a man feel like a real man!

Well, put it on Haji. Because we love you.

* Big Babykilling, Big Masturbation, Big Sodomy, and Big Et Al. are not legally responsible for any bad things that may actually happen to you before, during, or after you use our products. These consequences may include, but are not limited to, disease, death, death from disease, death from abortion, death from side effects, death from being shot, stabbed, bludgeoned, strangled, run over, defenestrated, et cetera, by a jealous husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, chick/stud you just picked up, or fellow glory hole enthusiast, sadness, depression, loneliness, angst, sense of being unfullfilled, sense of wasting your life, sense of wondering if there is anything more to life, inflated ego, deflated ego, failure to perform, failure to conceive when you finally grow up and realize kids are cool, and Eternal Damnation in (at best) a middling circle of Hell reserved for sensualists if it turns out The Church was right after all.