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"Let no freedom be allowed to novelty, because it is not fitting that any addition should be made to antiquity. Let not the clear faith and belief of our forefathers be fouled by any muddy admixture." -- Pope Sixtus III

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Yawn...Anderson Poopers likes penis, not vagina.

He typed something about coming out for the kids, not in that nasty Jerry Sandusky sort of way, but in a positive and empowering sort of way.

Yeah, right. I'm sure there are tens of sexually deluded youngsters out there who now feel better about their lifestyle choice because some dimbulb daytime TV talk show hack publicly admitted he likes other guys. Big freakin' deal.

If he really wanted to have an impact, he would have shouted his um,...preference [specialty?] from a nearby mountaintop. You know, is he a pitcher or a catcher? Is he the pin or the pincushion? Does he wear frilly undies or leather chaps? Is he one the Nazis would have liked or is he one of those they would have killed? [Look it up, kiddies.] I'm trying to be diplomatic here, but I'm not sure you're catching my drift. 

What I'm trying to say is that just bleating "I'm a homo" isn't newsworthy. To really make a difference in our hateful society, La Pooper [or Le, as the case may be.] should tell everybody whether he likes to put his blankety-blank in other guys' blankety-blanks or if he likes having other guys put their blankety-blanks in his blankety-blank.

In a word, be a man [hee-hee] and take ownership of your perversion. You might actually gain some respect that way.

Anderson Cooper's Day of a Thousand Tweets

Yes, we're still trying to process exactly how Anderson Cooper stole the day's news cycle by giving us the most obvious news ever. What's interesting, though, are the many ways journalists and the Twitterverse tried to break the news to millions of people who already sort of knew it.

 Here's how they did its:  

 The "Obvious" Joke: 

Intent: The obvious joke: Point to the years of rumors about Cooper's sexuality while relying on a tired joke:
Siri, Anderson Cooper knows everybody already knew, right?
Zooey Asks Siri (@ZooeySiri) July 2, 2012
Execution Score: 4.5/5. Extra point for making Zooey Deschanel and Siri the butt of this joke (and building a time machine to when that joke was still funny). If it were any other Twitter handle it'd be swimming in the 2-2.5 range. 


A Different Kind of "Obvious" Joke: 

Intent: Pointing out that there might be people out there surprised by this "breaking" news. You aren't one of them:
Put this one right next to the only-cavedwellers-were-surprised-that-Paula-Deen-has-diabetes file: gawker.com/5922861/anders…
— Kara Swisher (@karaswisher) July 2, 2012
Execution Score: 3/5. Paula Deen's diabetes would've been a funnier reference had Cooper come out two months ago. Swisher might've done better with something a little more timeless like "... in other breaking news, Porky Pig has a speech impediment" which was batted around Gchat today. 


The Meta "Obvious" Joke: 

Intent: This news is so obvious, that my next joke will be about the media people who cover it like Buzzfeed--proving that I am both in the know about Cooper and am in the know about how media works:
Good luck to @BuzzFeed: Finding a listicle's worth of people surprised by Anderson Cooper will be tough.
— daveweigel (@daveweigel) July 2, 2012
Execution score: 1/5. We'd give Weigel a 4/5 if it weren't for the fact that The New York Observer's Hunter Walker demonstrated how true and easy this would've been.  


The CNN Dig: 

Intent: Making fun of someone coming out is lame. Making fun of the lame network he works for is totally fair game. Double points if it's a SCOTUS joke:
CNN is reporting that Anderson Cooper is straight
— Times Public Editor (@TimesPublicEdit) July 2, 2012
Execution Score: 5/5. ZING! Arthur Brisbane, we never knew you had it in you. Well played.

Henry Blodget's Attempt at Media Gazing

Intent: No idea. We'd call it sarcasm if Blodget hadn't displayed some ham-fistedness before, so we can no longer give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it was an editorial push and a rallying cry to his Business Insiders? Anyway:
I can't believe that NO ONE has an opinion on whether Anderson Cooper news will help or hurt ratings. NO ONE?
— Henry Blodget (@hblodget) July 2, 2012
Execution Score: 1/5. Then again we were expecting a "Why do people hate Anderson Cooper" post.

Actual Media Gazing:

Intent: This is totally serious. Guys! Stop laughing at all the Twitter jokes and read this--this might or might not be very important:
As @andersoncooper comes out, @donlemonCNN & @stevekornacki tell me it was good for their careers. buzzfeed.com/mckaycoppins/c…
— McKay Coppins (@mckaycoppins) July 2, 2012
Execution score: 5/5 for the effort, but wait...where were the jokes?

The Meme: 

Intent: Pictures are worth a thousand words. Pictures with words are like 100x better than that

Execution Score: 3/5. While we are thankful for the Texts From Hillary resurgence, it just makes us wish its actual creators and the blog were still around for this momentous occasion. 

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About Me

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First of all, the word is SEX, not GENDER. If you are ever tempted to use the word GENDER, don't. The word is SEX! SEX! SEX! SEX! For example: "My sex is male." is correct. "My gender is male." means nothing. Look it up. What kind of sick neo-Puritan nonsense is this? Idiot left-fascists, get your blood-soaked paws off the English language. Hence I am choosing "male" under protest.

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