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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Wherein Fyodor reviews a film and ruminates on the state of Dumbass Cinema.


What could have been an all-time great dumbass movie tries to be too cute. If only the guys who made it even
pretended to take it more seriously, this would have been a classic.


Rubber (2010)

When Robert, a tire, discovers his destructive telepathic powers, he soon sets his sights on a desert town; in particular, a mysterious woman becomes his obsession.



Looks pretty darn dumbasstastic, doesn't it? Guess again.

You see, kiddies, the most important thing to remember in making a really great dumbass movie is this: The movie [and those who make it] must not know it's a dumbass movie, or at the very least, convince the audience that it was not intended to be a dumbass movie. The second ingredient for making a truly awesome dumbass movie is a certain lack of polish and sophistication. This brings us to Cowboys And Aliens. [See my post Dumbass movie alert!]

I should have known Senor Spielbergo, Ron Howard, et al. would fill the thing with millions of dollars worth of special effects and a plot. [That clown Roger Ebert lamented the presence of aliens in the picture and said it was a shame because it would have made a great
Western. He went on to lament that Hollyweird doesn't make real Westerns anymore. Memo To Mr. Ebert: To make a real Western you need real men and women behind and in front of the camera...and in the audience. We ran out of those a couple of generations back. Hmmm...I wonder why...You know, that would be a great subject for a movie.]

The final thing you need to make a dumbass movie a classic of the genre is a bit of whimsey. You know, like the giant flying stone head in Zardoz or the colorful bad guys and Donald Pleasence's eyes in Escape From New York.

Rubber
has ingredients two and three. It looks cheesy and what could be more whimsical than a murderous tire with telepathic powers? Sadly, the filmmakers' bludgeoning of the audience with the message "WE'RE REALLY HIP AND COOL AND SO ARE YOU BECAUSE THIS MOVIE IS A LAMEASS JOKE FROM BEGINNING TO END AND SHOULD HAVE BEEN LEFT ON THE PAGES OF THAT FILM SCHOOL NOTEBOOK AND EVERYBODY KNOWS IT."

It's sad, really. They probably had fun making the miserable thing. Too bad they couldn't let their audience have some fun too.


Fyodor's Rating: 1 cannolo [out of 5]

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First of all, the word is SEX, not GENDER. If you are ever tempted to use the word GENDER, don't. The word is SEX! SEX! SEX! SEX! For example: "My sex is male." is correct. "My gender is male." means nothing. Look it up. What kind of sick neo-Puritan nonsense is this? Idiot left-fascists, get your blood-soaked paws off the English language. Hence I am choosing "male" under protest.

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