Conclusive proof of global warming from studies of frozen confectionary

Well, I'll be hornswoggled! Yes, Virginia, there really is global warming.

Null Hypothesis provides sweet, sweet proof that scientists with the IQs of low-grade morons and politicians who get their jollies (and power) from terrifying the booboisie are not REPEAT NOT lying to us.

Bluen Wiytarmee, of the Fortress Portman Institute of Higher Genius in Ipswich, U.K. gives us the details:

Introduction

Global warming has been a matter of great debate for many years; indeed it was French mathematician Jean-Baptiste-Joseph de Fourier who first raised the possibility that gaseous emissions into the atmosphere could cause temperature increases as early as 1820. However, there still remains a certain amount of debate as to whether global warming is an actual phenomenon, or whether it is merely a conspiracy put forward by evil anti-capitalists hell-bent on bringing about the end of economy, society and the manner of life to which we are accustomed.

Defined as a slow gradual increase in the Earth's surface temperature caused by the increase of ‘greenhouse gases’ in the atmosphere, global warming seems to be responsible for changes in world climate patterns. Here, I present data that I believe provides conclusive proof that global warming is a very real occurrence.

Methods

I performed a meta-analysis of relevant information in previous publications, manuscripts, anecdotal scribblings, cereal packets and street-art. Initially the analysis was carried out blind, but time constraints closed my window of opportunity and it was curtains for that idea.

Results

As usual with statistics the meta-analysis produced a whole load of guff. However, having fiddled around with the numbers, tried a range of different techniques and blurred the occasional value, I finally found a finding. Having controlled for both annual and yearly publication rate it became apparent that, over the past 50 years, there has been a dramatic increase in the number of publications concerning ‘ice-cream’, and this trend seems set to continue (Figure 1).

It is logical, nay obvious, that increased research interest in ice-cream has been shaped by market, cultural and armed forces, and is therefore related to increases in mean global temperature.

Further data tweaking showed that during the study period demand for ice-cream has increased, leading to large-scale cultural changes. Whilst consumption has gone up, average ice-cream quality has decreased (Vega et al. 2004) along with the average size of Flake. Conversely incidences of near fatal ice-cream-induced indigestion have increased (Hammerman & Kaplan 1994), due to the higher atmospheric temperature leading to a lower average ice-cream half-life (the amount of time taken for half a dollop of ice-cream to inmitancipate - Figure 1). Since half-lives have decreased, the speed with which ice-creams need to be eaten has increased from 5 licks/minute to well over 11 licks/minute, which is well within the range of troughing, as described by Warren (1972, see also Burnett 1994).

Discussion and Implications

It seems to me that there can be little doubt now over the occurrence of global warming as a real phenomenon, and with it there come obvious and serious implications. In addition to the dire warnings over melting of the ice caps, desertification, flooding and all-round global disaster, we could also be seeing the dawn of a new social era in which purveyors of substandard ice-creams become inordinately powerful members of society. With this kind of power who knows how long it will be before Mr. Whippy stands for government? Furthermore, I envisage a period of rapid tongue evolution for the human species. With ice-cream half-lives set to decrease further (Flores & Goff 1999), there will be strong selective pressure to be able to eat ice-creams more quickly, leading to specialised morphological adaptations - such as superlinguation, an extension of the tongue.

We hope that these findings will finally nudge the world's presidents, prime ministers and governors to join forces, and indeed hands, to try and reduce the impact of global warming, and steady our ice-cream supply.

References

Burnett, A.W. (1994). Regional-scale troughing over the Southwestern United States: Temporal climatology, teleconnections, and climatic impact. Physical Geography 15, 80-98.

Flores, A.A. and Goff, H.D. (1999). Recrystallization in ice cream after constant and cycling temperature storage conditions as affected by stabilizers. Journal of Dairy Science 82, 1408-1415.

Hammerman, C. and Kaplan, M. (1994). Slurping and burping: Impact on oxygen saturation. Pediatric Research 35, A228-A228.

Vega, C., Andrew, R.A. and Goff, H.D. (2004). Serum separation in soft-serve ice cream mixes. Milchwissenschaft - Milk Science International 59, 284-287.

Warren, R.C. (1972). Mashing, munching, crackling, crunching: Monster gnash. New Zealand Journal of Agriculture 125, 24.