Comedian and writer Dave Konig tries to help Catholics living in the time of antichrist.

The Most Controversial Column Ever Written!
Will I Live to Tell?
By Dave Konig

From National Review Online:

Is The Da Vinci Code anti-Catholic? Is Madonna (the saucy aging pop-song stylist) risking the wrath of God by crucifying herself in concert? Did South Park go too far in their depiction of Christ in the episode parodying the Danish Mohammed cartoon controversy? Is God losing any sleep over any of this?

Answers: a) Of course it is. b) No, because God hasn’t paid much attention to Madonna’s career since “Vogue.” c) Guilty—but with an explanation. d) Doubtful. Then again, that raises the question: does God ever sleep? Answer: probably not, but He occasionally nods off in church, depending on how long the homily is.

The pop culture vs. religion controversies continue, product sells, people get upset, arguments ensue, blood pressure rises…and product sells some more.

When The Da Vinci Code was first published, my mother-in-law (Florence, a lovely woman)—and 50 gazillion other people—read it. My mother-in-law is a good Catholic and a voracious reader. Her review? “Oh it’s a terrific read. And it’s the most anti-Catholic book I’ve ever read!” Is it possible to be both? Sure it is. Is the movie anti-Catholic? Well, yeah, of course it is (I haven’t seen it yet, but it’s based on the book, right? Which I read along with 50 gazillion other people, including my mother-in-law). It’s not really a debatable point, is it? A movie about a secret Catholic plot to kill anyone who reveals the secret that the Vatican has spent 2,000 years covering up—that Jesus Christ dated, got married, had kids, moved to the suburbs, ordered the complete cable package with over 200 channels, attended PTA meetings, coached Little League and joined the Knights of Columbus…well, that’s not exactly pro-Catholic, is it? The really offensive part of The DaVinci Code is that apparently, Jesus’ kids grew up to be French. Oy vey.

So yeah, it’s anti-Catholic. It’s also, in the words of its star Tom Hanks, “a lot of hooey.” And it’s directed by Ron Howard who is a terrific film maker (A Beautiful Mind, Apollo 13, Eat My Dust) and he’s Richie Cunnigham and he’s Opie and he spent a long, hot night right before he went off to college riding around in a car with Cindy Williams and Richard Dreyfuss…so cut him some slack.

Wasn't there an awful mermaid movie in there someplace?

Now, Madonna. On a big old cross. I’m shocked, shocked! Didn’t she already do this, like 20 years ago? Or was that when she did that video where she was making out with a saint in a church? Oh, that Madonna! With the anti-Catholic imagery! Romping around in her underwear and all. She’s so…what’s the word? Controversial.

At this point Madonna’s anti-Catholic shtick is about as daring and unique as the time when in the midst of a big fight with my dad I screamed in a triumph of originality, “Oh yeah? Well, I didn’t ask to be born, man!” My poor dad just rubbed his forehead, embarrassed for me at my hack material. (Sadly, I was 32 at the time, but that’s another story…). Having said that, “I’m Hung Up On You” is awfully catchy and it’s got a great beat.

If Madonna really wanted to shock everybody, she’d record a song (with a catchy beat) denouncing the persecution of Christians in Communist China. Or a song celebrating the American liberation of the women of Afghanistan. Now, that’d be a shocker!

The king of anti-Christian imagery this season was the recent episode of South Park that deliberately depicted a particularly vile and offensive image of Jesus. Far more offensive than anything in Da Vinci or Madonna’s act. But, of the three, the most defensible. Here’s how it worked: The episode centered around the Danish Mohammed cartoon controversy. In the episode, there was a harmless depiction of Mohammed purchasing a snack from a vendor. The image lasted for a couple of seconds and was completely uninteresting. There was also a depiction of Jesus—wildly offensive and awful. Guess which image Comedy Central refused to air?

Using diabolical double-backwards-reverse psychology, the South Park creators made the most pro-Christian pop-cultural point of the season by forcing the question: Why is it okay to offend every Christian on the planet earth—but we can’t even mention Mohammed in polite company?

Christianity has been around far longer than modern American pop culture (even including Madonna, who’s been around an awfully long time). For Christians, the eternal truths of Christ and his teachings are just that—eternal. The Billboard Top Ten, and the weekend box-office numbers in Variety are very, very important—but next week they’ll change.

Madonna, South Park, Da Vinci—it’s all very important. Not quite as important as the fact that the Iranians are about to drop an atomic bomb on Israel and kill all the Jews, but very, very important.

Meanwhile, it’s been 820 days and counting since the release of The Passion of the Christ, and the search continues for the one Jewish guy who got beat up because of that movie. If you were in the pack of crazed Catholics who saw The Passion then swarmed out of the mall theater to beat up that Jewish guy, contact me through this website. Somehow I missed that story.


—Comedian Dave Konig starred on Broadway in Grease! and won a New York Emmy as the co-host of Subway Q&A. Konig has written a novel, Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky. Konig is also an NRO contributor.