Arch-sissy Osama Bin Yahoo peeks from his burrow long enough to predict 6 more months of heresy. (That's right, kiddies. He doesn't know Islam.)

The pan-Arab TV station al-Jazeera has broadcast an audio tape purporting to be by al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden, in which the speaker says al-Qaeda is preparing new attacks on the US. (The CIA has since confirmed the voice is Bin Binkie's. - F.G.)

Here is the full text of the message as broadcast.


My message to you is about the war in Iraq and Afghanistan and the way to end it.

Don't worry, Nancy, we'll end it for you.

I had not intended to speak to you about this issue, because, for us, this issue is already decided: diamonds cut diamonds.

Ahhhh...but who has more diamonds, effemdi? And who has the best diamond cutters in the world? (Heehee! I meant "daisy cutters". Death From Above!)

Praise be to God, our conditions are always improving, becoming better, while yours are the opposite.

You wouldn't think a mass murderer of innocents would be into God so much...

Huh?

Oh, right. He's talking about his god.

However, what prompted me to speak are the repeated fallacies of your President Bush in his comment on the outcome of US opinion polls, which indicated that the overwhelming majority of you want the withdrawal of the forces from Iraq, but he objected to this desire and said that the withdrawal of troops would send the wrong message to the enemy.
Bush said: It is better to fight them on their ground than they fighting us on our ground.

Osama Bin Gallup. Osama Bin Zogby. Osama Bin Quinnipiac. Zogby Bin Gallup.

In my response to these fallacies, I say: The war in Iraq is raging and operations in Afghanistan are on the rise in our favour, praise be to God.
The Pentagon figures indicate the rise in the number of your dead and wounded, let alone the huge material losses.

Osama's doorag is a flaccid fallacy symbol. (Hey, what do you want for free?)

To go back to where I started, (Holy Freudianism, Batman! Mama Bin Laden, call your midwife. - F.G.) I say that the results of the poll satisfy sane people and that Bush's objection to them is false.

Do you really believe He Who Sleeps In Bat Guano knows what a public opinion poll is? And believes them?

And if he does, doesn't that mean we've already won?

I wonder what he thinks of the poll that showed 42% of Americans urinate in the shower? He would probably think we hate our toilets. So works the mind of a world-historical genius.

Reality testifies that the war against America and its allies has not remained confined to Iraq, as he claims.

In fact, Iraq has become a point of attraction and recruitment of qualified resources.

That's what BushMonkey's been saying, you crackpot. Keep funneling your resources into Iraq, baby. We outlasted Looney Lenin and his even more bloodthirsty progeny, remember? You're just a pimple on the backside of history, you heretic.

On the other hand, the mujahideen, praise be to God, have managed to breach all the security measures adopted by the unjust nations of the coalition time and again.

The evidence for this are the bombings you have seen in the capitals of the most important European countries of this aggressive coalition.

Oooohhhh! You frightened the Spanish! We surrender!

As for the delay in carrying out similar operations in America, this was not due to the failure to breach your security measures.

That's just whistling past the hog rendering plant, kiddies.

Operations are in preparation and you will see them on your own ground once the preparations are finished, God willing.

Pretty cheeky for a "military" leader who hasn't been able to strike his enemy in over four years. (And how many years did it take to pull off that one, O Mighty King of the Goat Rapists?)

Based on the above, we see that Bush's argument is false.

Wow. Behold the non-union Arab equivalent of Socrates!

Ok, maybe Bertrand Russell.

However, the argument that he avoided, which is the substance of the results of opinion polls on withdrawing the troops, is that it is better not to fight the Muslims on their land and for them not to fight us on our land.
We do not object to a long-term truce with you on the basis of fair conditions that we respect.

We are a nation to which God has disallowed treachery and lying. (Allah, call your office. - F. G.)
In this truce, both parties will enjoy security and stability and we will build Iraq and Afghanistan which were destroyed by the war.

Woah! Bin Pimple wants to cut a deal with The Great Pepsi? Watch as he crawls through the dust on his way to kiss our enormous Levis-encased buttocks!

Truce my eye, you coward! We want your cheap oil and we're going to make sure it keeps flowing. Even if that means propping up the decadent House of Saud with our glorious greenbacks!

Time to die, fool!

There is no defect in this solution other than preventing the flow of hundreds of billions to the influential people and war merchants in America, who supported Bush's election campaign with billions of dollars.

Hey, who sneaked that Howie Spleen quote in there?