Pro Football Picks of the Week.

1) The guys who set the lines are professionals. Their job is to make each game look as attractive as possible to everyone. That way they even out the amount of money bet on each side.
Instant translation: The house wins no matter who wins. That's why people get into the gambling business.

2) I am just a fan. I won't even keep track of these picks week to week if it gets too embarrassing.

3) There is no such thing as "inside information". Especially in the pros.

4) If those idiot touts on tv and in the paper were that good, they wouldn't go public with their genius. They'd sit at Harrah's sports book from open to close and then go out and buy $2,000 an hour hookers who dress like high school girls.

5) Gambling is stupid. You cannot win.

That being said, here are my NFL picks for this week.


Sunday 9/25

Atlanta (+1) at Buffalo
Vick banged up, but Buffalo is not playing well. Pick Buffalo if you must.
FINAL: Falcons 24 Bills 16 - Fyodor loses! (That's why they call it gambling.)


Carolina (-3) at Miami
Up and down Dolphins are up this week. Miami by 7.
FINAL: Miami 27 Carolina 24 - Fyodor wins!


Cincinnati (-3) at Chicago
Somebody knows something about the Bears. I'm taking Cincy.
FINAL: Bengals 24 Bears 7 - Fyodor wins!


Cleveland (+14) at Indianapolis
Take Cleveland and the points. I don't think Indy's offense is on track yet.
FINAL: Colts 13 Browns 6 - Fyodor wins! (Boo-ya!)



Jacksonville (+2.5) at Jets
Leftwich (Him again!) is banged up and doesn't play well on the road even when healthy. Take the J-E-T-S, JETS! JETS! JETS!
FINAL: Jaguars 26 Jets 20 - Fyodor loses! (What was I thinking?)



New Orleans (+3.5) at Minnesota
Logic says Minnesota is better than they're playing. Screw logic and take New Orleans.
FINAL: Vikings 33 Saints 16 - Fyodor loses! (Memo To Self: Don't underestimate logic.)



Oakland (+8) at Philadelphia
Raiders and Eagles are both over rated. Eagles are less so and will cover.
FINAL: Eagles 23 Raiders 20 - Fyodor loses! (Where's the offense, Coach Reid?)


Tampa Bay (-3.5) at Green Bay
Green Bay is bad. (A home dog!) Take the Bucs.
FINAL: Bucs 17 Packers 16 - Fyodor loses! (This one hurts. N.B. Bucs played to the level of their competition.)



Tennessee (+6.5) at St. Louis
Rams have some semblance of an offense, so take them to cover.
FINAL: Rams 31 Titans 27 - Fyodor loses! (That's why they call it gambling.)



Arizona (+6) at Seattle
Here lies the Crappy Game of the Week. I'll go with Seattle, but without enthusiasm.
FINAL: Seahawks 37 Cardinals 12 - Fyodor wins! (All pile on the trainwreck that is the Denny "Babykiller" Green coached Cards!)



Dallas (-6.5) at San Francisco
Boring. Dallas covers just because.
FINAL: Cowboys 34 49ers 31 - Fyodor loses! (Well, you see, it was like this...Oh, never mind.)


New England (+3) at Pittsburgh
Ben's streak comes to an end. New England covers and wins, setting up the Steelers for a big revenge game in the playoffs. (Not exactly an original thought, I know.)
FINAL: Pats 23 Steelers 20 - Fyodor wins! (A joyless gambling victory. Memo To Coach Cowher: Your offense cannot play against decent defenses.)


Giants (+6) at San Diego
Chargers have been killing me. I'm a glutton for punishment. Chargers win by 10+.
FINAL: Chargers 45 Giants 23 - Fyodor wins! (Yes! But beware of over-confidence, kiddies.)


Monday 9/26


Kansas City (+3) at Denver
Jake Plummer comes up small. Take the Chiefs.
FINAL: Broncos 30 Chiefs 10 - Fyodor loses! (Sorry, Jake. You are the greatest QB ever.)

I may start using a classic Fyodor picking system out of the faraway past for next week's games. It's called the "Tagliabue 8 System", and it works like this:

Since the league wants every team to go 8 and 8, simply pick against the teams that were hot last week. In the infernal words of Al Gore, "Everything that should be up is down. Everything that should be down is up."