A message from Congressthingee Weiner the Weiner and his weiner.

My Fellow Onanists.
Apparently, I'm now too big a pervert for my own Party. Well, Nancy Pelosi can choke on this right here because I'm not resigning. By the way, do any of you have Debbie Wasserman-Schultz's number? She's got a real pretty mouth...anyway...

I'm going to "rehab" for awhile in a last desperate attempt to hold onto power. I know what you're thinking - why don't I just forget politics and concentrate on getting photos of my genitalia into the hands of as many babes as possible and then masturbating nonstop?

Frankly, that's just not practical. It seems chicks don't dig unemployed nobodies who text photos of their junk. I know! Discrimination, right? By the way, that's another reason I have to stay in Congress - to protect the oppressed little guy. Plus 174 Gs a year is nothing to sneeze at.

I'm standing on principle here, people. So what if I like to jerk it while thinking about women I don't even know? Isn't that the American Dream? Isn't that the Playboy Philosophy? Heck, I never raped anybody like Bill Clinton did. I never had a homo prostitute selling himself from my rumpus room like Barney Chokesondick. There's obviously no way I could have fathered a bastard child like that ambulance chasing pussy John Edwards. And I'm the bad guy?

Please just leave me alone and I promise to continue voting communist and I will make sure the Internet remains free and unencumbered.

Now here's a word from my wiener, Tiny Tony:

OW! OW! OW! HELP! GET ME OUT OF HERE!
OW! OW! OW! OW! HELP!