Fyodor versus an antique media monopoly. (Part Two)

Hey, kiddies! Remember my third-favorite bumpkin scribe of the totalitarian middle, ol' Gil 'Get' Smart? My honest efforts to teach the poor fool something (or anything!) about the way the world really works have been rebuffed. No surprise there, of course. While we are not permitted to believe in invincible ignorance, ignorance of the willful variety is all too real.

So what did our hero do after a recent e-mail from Your Humble Servant attempted to educate him with a lesson from recent history? He accused me of threatening his pathetic little life and then ran and hid behind the skirts of some HR babe from his "newspaper".

Here is my monstrous perceived threat:

From: Fyodor Garibaldi
Sent: Wednesday, May 31, 2006 2:02 PM
To: Get Smart
Subject: Still getting your ideas from Bazooka Joe wrappers, eh?


"The problem is that democracy, by its very nature, is inherently more dangerous than, say, Stalin’s Russia. "

Man, you are a dope. Mensheviks like you were the first to take a bullet to the back of the head. That's what I call danger, Get.

Fyodor Garibaldi

And here is the very real threat to my free speech rights I received in reply:


"Nevling, Tonya" wrote:

Hello -

Gil Smart forwarded this email on to me. While we welcome comments and feedback from our readers, we do ask that those comments be non-threatening in nature.

This email could be construed to be threatening in nature. We certainly do hope that it is not. Please be advised that we hope to receive constructive criticism or positive feedback from you in the future.

If you have any questions, please feel free to call me at the number listed below.

Sincerely,

Tonya Nevling

Human Resources Manager
Lancaster Newspapers, Inc.
P.O. Box 1328
8 W. King Street
Lancaster, PA 17608
717-291-8680 office
717-293-4311 fax
tnevling@lnpnews.com
www.lancasteronline.com

Of course, I could not let this pass. Hence I made the following reply:


From: Fyodor Garibaldi
Subject: RE: Threat
To: "Nevling, Tonya"

Wow. You and Get Smart really ought to read a book once in a while. And one you aren't expected to color either.

Since I know neither of you geniuses will bother trying to find out what happened to the Mensheviks when Get's dream date Stalin got hold of them, your "constructive criticism" canard is pretty funny.

And speaking of threats, what's this clampdown on my free speech rights you're attempting all about? Don't you clowns even pretend to worship the First Amendment anymore?

As for little Miss Smart, tell her to grow a pair.

BTW, Tonya darling, Yahoo shipped your e-mail straight into the junk folder. It works better than I thought.

Fyodor Garibaldi

I didn't bother to copy that e-mail to ol' Get. The magical appearance of such a message would simply blow his obviously huge mind. However, I did mention it in my e-mail that critiqued his column published yesterday.


Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006
From: Fyodor Garibaldi
Subject: It must be that time of the month again.
To: Get Smart

Dear Get,
I started reading your periodic Defense of Sodomy rant and quickly realized you had not come up with any new reasons why we should let them pretend they can marry. I'm not surprised. The sodomites have been searching for some sort of justification for their chronic violation of the natural law for thousands of years. (And they even had a few intelligent guys on their side!)

As for your hiding behind little Tonya's skirts: BOO! You pansy. (Or has that been changed to Non-Euclidean Sexual American by now?)

Maybe if you bothered to learn something once in a while (like what happened to the Mensheviks), fear of reality wouldn't make you so incontinent. (Check both definitions, boyo, I'm mocking you in two ways.)

And please, please, please, please spend this whole week thinking of something you think is clever about Ann Coulter and the Guernsey Churls. Please.

P.S. Is Tonya hot?

Fyodor Garibaldi

I'll keep you posted, kiddies.