Your Grandpa Insists Someone You've Never Heard Of Should Be In Hall Of Fame

An Onion classic:

SCRANTON, PA—Your grandfather, a retired tradesman in his 80s, continues to demand that a scrappy, tenacious bulldog of a player whom no one else has ever heard of should be admitted to one of the Halls of Fame. "He'd be out there at center every game, giving it his all, playing tough, and never giving up on the play, right up until he went off to the war," your grandpa said, narrowing the unknown player's career down to 40 possible years and four possible sports. "That was before they had these new rules against tough play, too. He was all about fundamentals, playing hard every single minute, and putting in a hard day's work, either in the game or in the owner's factory during the off-season—something these spoiled millionaires today sure wouldn't understand." The only thing you are certain of concerning the player, whose name seems vaguely Italian or Polish on the occasions your grandpa mumbles it, is that he was white.
(Thanks to Steve Czaban for the heads up.)