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ESPN Courts Female Viewers With World's Emotionally Strongest Man Competition

Heehee! Obviously the Right-wing Smile of the Day.

Sports broadcasting giant ESPN, whose programming has long been a staple among male television viewers of all ages, made its first foray into women's sports programming with the introduction of the World's Emotionally Strongest Man Competition Monday.

The hour-long weekly show, which will run opposite ABC's Monday Night Football, features an international cast of powerfully caring, emotionally resilient, deeply sensitive men pushing themselves and each other to the limit with astounding feats of inner strength in domestic settings around the country.

During the show's premiere, a two-hour special titled "Manhattan Blowout," competitors put their bodies, minds, and spirits to the test in events ranging from the brutal grind of "Enduring Quietly As She Takes Her Hard Day At Work Out On You," to the agility-straining "Throwing A Last-Minute Surprise Party For A Despised Mother-In-Law," to the ultimate combination of strength and finesse, "Helping Her Over The Death Of The Cat That Always Hated You."


Terrell Owens Pre-Emptively Disparages Next Contract

Eagles wideout Terrell Owens, who recently returned to his team after a training-camp holdout on the second year of his seven-year, $49 million contract, took time Monday to verbally blast the amount, duration, and bonuses of whatever contract he signs next.

"It's going to be a damn travesty," said the 31-year-old All-Pro, speaking to reporters months or even years before the hypothetical contract is drawn up. "A travesty. I'm one of the best receivers in this league—hell, after the incredible, record-breaking season I'm sure I'll have had when I sign this next contract, I might be the best ever. But I wouldn't go so far as to call this next contract the best ever. It's going to be an insult on the part of whichever team I eventually sign with, and they'll know it. I demand they give me what I really deserve."

"I know I'm a top player in this game," Owens added. "But my next contract simply won't reflect that."

Owens, who caught 77 passes for 1,200 yards and 14 touchdowns in 2004, also played in the Super Bowl despite breaking his right leg during the regular season. In his comments to the press, the receiver noted that his performance in 2005 and beyond would be even more impressive.

"This next season or seasons, I'll play through pain, injury, personal tragedy, media persecution, and one or more quarterbacks who won't be able to get the ball to me when our team or teams need it. And you know I'll do it all while putting up so many receptions for so many yards and so many touchdowns that, if I told anyone right now, you'd think I was being arrogant," said Owens, who seemed visibly hurt at the thought of what was to come. "It's not bragging if it's going to be true. And the NFL still insists on fining T.O. for his celebrations, despite the fact that T.O.'s jerseys—for whatever team I'm going to be playing on—will still be setting sales records and making money for the league. After all this, anyone will be able to see that the contract they're going to offer me just won't be enough."