SEX IS DEATH. (The expense of playing with yourself)

I came to Carthage, where I found myself in the midst of a hissing cauldron of lusts. I had not yet fallen in love, but I was in love with the idea of it, and this feeling that something was missing made me despise myself for not being more anxious to satisfy the need. I began to look around for some object for my love, since I badly wanted to love something. —St. Augustine, Confessions


The ghouls and fiends of New York magazine help you find stuff you can buy that will aid you in your rebellion against God and your "pursuit of happiness." (No, Mr. Nader, we're not talking about SUV's.)

Toy Time: A Guide To New York's Most Rewarding (WTF??? - F.G.) Sex-Toy Shops
by Charlotte Druckman

With the opening of the elegantly appointed Kiki de Montparnasse in Soho, buying erotica has achieved a new level of respectability. Here, a guide to New York’s most rewarding sex-toy shops.

Yep. No peepshow jerkoff booths for these sophisticates. Peewee Herman is not REPEAT NOT welcome.

1. Kiki de Montparnasse

The newest, and most frankly alluring, of the group, it was opened by former fashion marketing executive Andrew Pollard and his girlfriend, fashion designer Jennifer Zuccarini. They imagined a den of luxury where people could “explore intimacy” and, yeah, go shopping.

Ooooooooh! That sounds soooooooooo hot! Tell us what it looks like!

If Colette, Belle de Jour, and Dita Von Teese shared an apartment in Paris. A dimly lit, beautifully furnished store with original Man Ray, Irving Penn, and Richard Avedon photos.

Huh?

“We don’t consider ourselves a sex shop,” says Pollard. Sex toys are renamed “instruments of pleasure”; dildos, “dilettos.”

Awwwwww...Isn't that cute?

Their best seller?

Currently, it’s the cashmere crocheted robe for $995, although the dilettos are also very popular.

Pollard and Zuccarini want to make the store a real salon, so they host invitation-only dinners in an upstairs dining room. There are also art exhibits and product demonstrations.

Shopping as foreplay. Literally. This store will put you in the mood faster than you can say “Ravish me now, right here, in the velvet-draped dressing room with its adjustable mood lighting.”

Oops! I guess they do have booths.

MOST DECADENT PRODUCT: The Mi-Su titanium "diletto" ...$3,750

2. Babeland

There’s been a Babeland in New York since 1998 (the first was on Rivington Street). The more-upscale Soho branch opened its doors in 2003.

Like a college bookstore, with a rocking soundtrack, bright yellow-orange walls, and open bookshelves stocked with titles like Sex Toys 101: A Playfully Uninhibited Guide.

The company’s mission statement, emblazoned on a wall in large letters, includes words like fun, accessible, interactive, sleaze-free, and sex-positive.

They certainly could not print the truth (despair, disease, death, et cetera)on their walls. The suckers who keep them rolling in cash would scatter.

Their best seller?

The ever-popular Rabbit Habit, $88.

Stunningly, it is not as bad as I'd feared. It was once the most intelligent character on Sex and the City.

You can arrange private shopping sessions where you have the whole store and a Babeland Sex Educator all to yourself.

Cool. Your own private tour guide from Hell.

With its cheery, enthusiastic emphasis on education and self-love, Babeland isn’t exactly the place to get it on, but you’ll leave well informed about getting it on later.

MOST DISCREET PRODUCT: The Jimmy Jane "Little Gold" ...$275

3. Myla

A British lingerie company, Myla started the high-end sex-toy trend when it opened its Upper East Side shop in 2004.

Tuned to its Upper East Side clientele. The window exposes glamorous bras and panties, while the objects are discreetly housed in lower shelves, making it easy to pretend you’re there for the bras. They sell sex toys? Oh, so they do!

Modesty? Shame? If that is the case, there may be hope. But I am not holding my breath, kiddies.

“Sex Life Accessories” is the official tag.

Their biggest seller?

The Bone, an ultrasleek, hand- finished resin vibrator by British design icon Tom Dixon, $380.

I'd hate to see his idea of an ice cream scoop!

An in-house seamstress can alter everything, including that bejeweled G-string.

Classy, with just a whisper of tartiness. It has an excellent selection of pasties, but you have to search for them.

MOST DESIGNED PRODUCT: The Bone ...$380

Part 1: SEX IS DEATH. (Stories for boys) is here.
Part 2: SEX IS DEATH. (Distaff death) is here.
Part 3: SEX IS DEATH. (Joyously dispensing death) is here.
Part 4: SEX IS DEATH. (Sex is depression) is here.
Part 5: SEX IS DEATH. (When self-pleasuring becomes self-destruction) is here.
Part 6: SEX IS DEATH. (Sex is theft) is here.
Part 7: SEX IS DEATH. (A review of Bareback Mountain) is here.
Part 8: SEX IS DEATH. (What is the ultimate penalty?) is here.
Part 9: SEX IS DEATH. (Haven from reality) is here.
Part 10: SEX IS DEATH. (Sin-redemption-reasons-reason) is here.
Part 11: SEX IS DEATH. (Mommy loves you) is here.
Part 12: SEX IS DEATH. (George Gilder offers a clue) is here.
Part 13: SEX IS DEATH. (Post-killem depression) is here.
Part 14: SEX IS DEATH. (Whither womanhood) is here.
Part 15: SEX IS DEATH. (Saving psychology 1) is here.
Part 16: SEX IS DEATH. (Saving psychology 2) is here.
Part 17: SEX IS DEATH. (Fear of the boomers) is here.
Part 18: SEX IS DEATH. (The battle continues apace) is here.
Part 19: SEX IS DEATH. (Hot for teacher) is here.
Part 20: SEX IS DEATH. (Kids do the darndest things) is here.
Part 21: SEX IS DEATH. (Defects) is here.
Part 22: SEX IS DEATH. (Privates' privacy) is here.
Part 23: SEX IS DEATH. (National Condom Week) is here.
Part 24: SEX IS DEATH. (Wegenics) is here.
Part 25: SEX IS DEATH. (White wedding) is here.
Part 26: SEX IS DEATH. (Literally) is here.
Part 27: SEX IS DEATH. (Can't get me no satisfaction) is here.
Part 28: SEX IS DEATH. (Wrestle with mania) is here.
Part 29: SEX IS DEATH. (Press one for death/Presione uno para la muerte) is here.
Part 30: SEX IS DEATH. (Raunch culture) is here.
Part 31: SEX IS DEATH. (Gimme some of that sweet zombie lovin') is here.
Part 32: SEX IS DEATH. (The devil made me eat my baby) is here.
Part 33: SEX IS DEATH. (Mind control = womb control) is here.