Enough, you pretentious beer pricks! Enough, I say!

No, I will not try the delightful licorice, bok choi, and kosher sea salt porter you discovered at a little place on the Cape. I most certainly will not drink your home-brewed Middle Aged Masturbatory Marzen regardless of how amusing the tale behind its name is.

I refuse to pretend something that tastes like llama piss filtered through potpourri is anywhere near acceptable for human consumption.

I don't want my beer to startle or even surprise me. I don't want my beer to challenge me. And if my beer is going to speak to me, it had better wait until I polish off a six pack and even then it had damn well better say something like "Go ahead, have another. She's at her mother's".

I want two things only from beer. First, I want it to coldly quench my thirst after a hot afternoon of mowing the lawn. Second, I want it to give me a slight buzz so I don't mind that my favorite sports collective's bullpen has gone to crap before my very eyes in beautiful HD.

I get it. I really do. Your self-worth is all wrapped up in a giant internet circle jerk where you and all the other bearded, man-bun wearing hipsters compete to see who can choke down [and keep down] a growler of the latest over-priced swill while keeping a straight face.

If that's the way you want to be, that's fine. Just stop expecting the rest of the world to play along.

Whew!

All that being said, if you are looking for a refreshing summer brew, try Grapefruit Cream Ale from Lancaster Brewing Company.