While drinking beer, grilling meat, and watching sports on tv with a few other neanderthal males, Your Humble Servant was surprised to find himself engaged in a rather serious discussion. The subject? When is it permissible to hit a woman?
Yes, now that I have driven off the lightweights and the merely curious, let us proceed, kiddies.
The discussion was sparked by the arrest late last week of Phillies pitcher Brett Myers, who hit his wife in the middle of a Boston street in front of witnesses. Afterwards, she bailed him out of the pokey with two hundred bucks. After the predictable jokes about the Phillies having at least one guy who can hit, The Only Asian Guy wondered aloud if there were any circumstances where hitting your better half is allowed.
(BTW, I only hang around with Philadelphia fans for the sheer schadenfreude of it. Their teams always lose and they are miserable losers. I have been waving my Terrible Towel in their faces since February.)
Black Guy #1 said "Never", and naturally, Black Guy #2 called him a pansy (Ozzie Guillen, call your sensitivity trainer.) and disagreed.
"What if she comes after you with a bat, or a pipe, or a brick, or one of those cast iron skillets I got my wife for Christmas two years ago? Or what if she has a knife?" (B.G.#2 is a big-time True Crime afficionado.)
Mr. Pink said it would be better to hit a woman with your hand rather than disarm her and then turn her weapon of choice against her.
That seemed reasonable to me.
B.G. #2 retorted: "How are you going to get close enough to take a bat away from her without getting your head caved in?"
That seemed like a resonable question to me.
The Only Asian Guy immediately went nuclear. Well, as close to nuclear as most domestic disputes get.
"What if she points a gun at you? Are you going to be worrying about hitting her then?"
It was then I thought it was my time to shine. I know for a fact B.G. #2 and I are the only ones in this group who own firearms and I am almost certain I am the only one whose girlfriend or wife knows how to shoot.
"If She Who Must Be Obeyed ever pointed a gun at me, I'd be dead."
I then regaled my neanderthal buddies with stories of my sweet's shooting prowess.
Mr. Pink said that got him all hot and bothered.
B.G. #2 agreed. (I must keep my eye on him. She Who Must Be Obeyed keeps threatening to run off with him because he has the best car of all my friends. And a pool. I always wish her good luck with half a Benz and half a pool. Mrs. B.G. #2 is no pushover.)
Anyway, after several more beers, we agreed that hitting a woman is permissable as the lesser of two evils, but smacking your old lady when she's unarmed (in public or not) is just not cool.
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