More Super Bowl satire from cracked.com.

Cracked.com has a fairly funny spoof of ESPN's Super Bowl coverage. For those of you who love/hate the Four Letter Network:

Necessary Precautions
Bill Cowher to be tranquilized, held in cage for entire week before Super Bowl.
• Cowher to Seahawks fans: "AAWHD LAAAH MOAGKILOA!"
• Steelers linebacker Joey Porter calls Seahawks cowards for not running ball up middle every play


Why is Ben Roethlisberger starting for the Steelers instead of Charlie Batch?
Scoop Jackson exposes Bill Cowher’s history of unabashed racism.


Detroit Native Jerome "From Detroit" Bettis to Play Super Bowl in Detroit (His Hometown)

In a story that SPN's writers are calling the biggest Super Bowl scoop ever, SPN reports that veteran Steelers RB Jerome Bettis is a native of Detroit. That’s right – the same city that’s hosting Super Bowl XL. The very same Super Bowl in which Bettis is playing! Is this an amazing story or what?! We're not grasping at straws! READ MORE

• Pasquarelli: It’s true, he is from Detroit. I checked Clayton: If so, why is no one reporting on this?
• Vote: Should we run this story into the ground?
• Does he actually like Detroit? Is he insane?!
• Also, Jerome Bettis is obese and he's playing in Super Bowl XL Get it? Like the size extra large? It's funny because, you know, he's a big guy


For my money, here's the best of the lot, a dead on spoof of former NFL lineman Mark "Stink" Schlereth.


SPN'S TAKE

This game is going to be won by the team that exacts its will on its opponent. It’s that simple. Football is about physicality, and the more physical team will take home the Super Bowl trophy. I won three championships in my career so I know what I’m talking about.

In becoming a three-time champion, I had to make sacrifices and endure more pain than you can even imagine. Want to know how many surgeries I had during my career? Twenty-nine. That’s right. I had 29 surgeries. The likes of you can’t even begin to conceive the level of sacrifice required to be a champion. You know what? I’m going to go get another surgery now just to prove I’m better than you.

Okay, I’m back. That’s 30 surgeries I’ve had now. Thirty! I had them do a needless procedure on my eye – going in through my rectum – just to prove you’re a pussy and that I’m better than you. Come on. Say it. Say that I’m better than you. You know it’s true. Want to know what else? I made sure they didn’t use any anesthetic so I could feel each glorious and excruciating second. Want to know why? Because I’m a champion and a true champion can put up with pain. And we’ll find out whether the Steelers or Seahawks are true champions this Sunday.
—Mark Schlereth