Escape From New Orleans!

Thus spake Zardoz.

Zardoz: The gun is good.

Exterminators: The gun is good.

Zardoz: The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life, and poisons the earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the gun shoots death, and purifies the earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth and kill!


Mr. Bruckheimer, have I got a movie idea for you!

First, Jerry, you gotta buy the franchise from John Carpenter. Should be no problem. He hasn't had a hit in a while, probably needs cash.

Second, get hold of Kurt Russell. We gotta have him reprise the role of Snake Plisskin. Who cares how old he is? Kurt's a professional. He survived all those Disney films as a kid, didn't he?

Ok, here's the plot. America's sweetheart and the World's Greatest Mom, Cindy Sheehan, is trapped in post-apocalyptic New Orleans where she was protesting a tv station's broadcasting of old Gomer Pyle and F Troop reruns.

Well meaning but misguided and violent minorities (Ooo! And the poor! Gotta have some poor folks! Ooo! Ooo! I got it, Jerry baby. Poor descendents of African slaves!) are holding La Sheehan hostage and demanding to see the almighty Zardoz himself, CuriousGeorge FlyingBushMonkey. (Irony, baby.) 

And don't you worry. Boorman will kill to make this picture. We'll throw him a bone.


Snake dons his aluminum foil hat and is sent in after being told Pat Robertson will beat the living tar out of a Che Guevara t-shirt if he doesn't save her in 24 hours.
Snake's black helicopter is shot down by poor descendents of African slaves whose minds are being controlled by BushMonkey through the government cheese they ate as children and crashes into the remnants of the SuperDome.

For the next forty minutes Snake battles Catholics, Repansycans, Birchers, Klansmen, Rotarians, people who have never seen Sex and the City, and assorted other enemies of progress.

Snake gets sapped down by a condom filled with a roll of quarters and is taken to evil BushMonkey's secret evil lair, an evil offshore oil rig that pours millions of gallons of evil black poison into the Gulf of Mexico just because it can.

Of course, La Sheehan is being held there as well, but before Snake can untie himself and rescue her, Bush the Elder and King Goober II, (in a dazzling display of the triumph of diplomacy over force) convince the almighty Zardoz to go home and ride his mountain bike.

The camera fades to black as Goober II prepares to deposit his seed on Cindy's only dress and Snake kills everyone not on her (or his) knees.

You love it, right? Call me. We'll do lunch.